If It Hurts, It’s Not Love
Posted by: Laurie Cameron in Compassionate Observer, Fine Art of the Reframe, General, Snippets and TidbitsOne of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:
Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.
I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!
IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.
It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.
It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."
It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.
IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.
So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:
- Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
- Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
- Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
- Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
- Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
- Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
- Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.
How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)
If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.
IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.
AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Here’s an old Arabian proverb that I’ve always liked:
“A friend (or loved one) is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
Nice?
October 24th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Thanks for the great quote. Donna/Mom!
It’s a great reminder that there’s always some good we can find in everybody!
October 27th, 2008 at 9:50 am
As always I enjoy your newsletter.
One of the tunes that used to tickle me a lot is John Cougar Mellancamps ditty with the lyric
“Some times love don’t feel like it should.
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.!”
I’ll have to say that that philosophy works better for salsa, than for a relationship.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Too funny, Nik!
I’ll add that the “make it hurt so good” philosophy also works with wasabi; and I agree - not so much with relationships.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Now everyone is talking about the American economy and eclections, nice to read something different. Eugene