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I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about the shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, on April 20, 1999. I was at the South Metro Denver Chamber of Commerce office about 5 miles away from the school. The vision of that moment in that office is permanently etched in my mind.

I remember later that day, at home watching it unfold on TV, tears streaming, fists clenched, willing time to go faster so I could meet my 12-year-old daughter at the bus stop. I remember the frantic need to hold onto her and never let her go - anywhere, ever.

I remember feeling the weight of the collective shock and grief of my hometown, and how I could feel it spread across Colorado, the nation, and around the planet.

There are a lot of memories I can recall, but just recollection is not the purpose of this post. The biggest memory is how desperate I was to find some sense of compassion for the two boys who forever changed our sense of safety and security in our schools.

I know this is extremely controversial and carries a gigantic emotional charge for many. I respect however you choose to feel about this event. Whatever this post brings up for you is valid because it is part of who you are. What I won’t do is debate or defend my desire to explore and understand compassion.

To me, choosing love and choosing compassion is choosing to see the spark of the Divine in EVERYONE. Choosing compassion neither condones nor condemns. Compassion is by no means justification for reprehensible or abhorrent behavior. Compassion is not a moral judgment. It’s not wound tightly together with good/bad and right/wrong labels.

To me, Compassion is the unconditional acknowledgment that we are all doing the best we can with the skills, tools and awareness we have in the moment. This definition allows for unlimited growth - our “best” can be better tomorrow because of what we learn from our choices today.

And Compassion can often be a very difficult state to achieve, especially within the context of an unfathomably traumatic event such as this.

So today, on the eve of the 10-year anniversary of the Columbine shootings, I Choose Love. I Choose Compassion. To all of us affected by the events of that day 10 years ago, including the global ripple effect it has had in countless ways, my wish is for Peace in our hearts and in our minds. My wish for us is to have a greater awareness of our fears, and a clear path in front of us toward greater Compassion.

So many recipes are handed down lovingly from generation to generation. Some become steadfast traditions, comforting us in our times of sorrow, and lifting us up in joy. Others carry with them years of sweet memories and stories that allow us a glimpse into the hearts of those that have come before us.

There’s one toxic recipe, however, that’s been unconsciously handed down throughout all of our families, probably with very few exceptions. It’s left a legacy of strife, conflict, depression, anger and discord.

Mmmm, sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Want to know what this recipe makes?

It’s the recipe for drama.

I came up with this for a staff development program I do for companies and corporations. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, and usually gets lots of laughs. Unfortunately it’s the laughter that comes from seeing ourselves all too clearly - it hits pretty close to home.

But that’s okay because we need to take the time to take an honest look at what we want to change. And if we get a bit of a chuckle out of it, all the better!

Ready? Here it is:

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Laurie’s Not-So-Favorite Recipe for Drama

1. Combine old, de-constructive beliefs with 1 Large Assumption
2. Add a pinch of Taking it Personally
3. Rapidly add 4 or 5 accusations
4. Blend generous amounts of blame and negative thoughts and add to the mixture.
5. As Drama begins to heat up, respond to all counterattacks with more flammable words
6. Continue to add fuel by loudly defending your position
7. Toss vigorously – substantial amounts of anger will magically appear
8. No stove or oven needed – Drama generates heat all by itself.

CAUTION: Do NOT honor the other person’s viewpoint, ask any clear, honest questions, take any responsibility for your words and actions, or make any collaborative suggestions – this will diffuse the heat, the Drama will stop cooking, and the anger will dissipate.

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Is this your family’s favorite recipe, too, without even knowing it?

Does this recipe show up at company picnics and church potlucks?

Does this awareness help you stir up some Compassion instead?

Are you ready to bake up some Understanding topped with Empathy?

Want to create and consume something other than Drama?

Then get cookin’!

I had the pleasure of spending this weekend in visiting my daughter, Amie. She’s a senior (when did THAT happen??) at Westminster College, a small college of about 2800 students nestled in the beautiful Sugar House neighborhood in southwest Salt Lake City, Utah.

She’s a soprano in the Westminster Chamber Singers, and I flew out to attend both the Friday and Saturday evening performances of their holiday concert. The concerts were wonderful, the weather was really fabulous for this time of year, and it’s always great to get away.

The best part of it, though, was the time I spent one-on-one with Amie. At 21 years old, the time I actually have with her keeps dwindling as she continues to carve out her own life. Heck, the time we spend in the same zip code is already pretty scarce.

Out of the whole weekend, we had about four hours together, just she and I. Saturday morning we spent two hours talking about school, life, and (of course!) boys at a Starbuck’s, and we hung out for another couple of hours Saturday afternoon at another coffee house, where we both worked on our laptops and didn’t talk.

The rest of the time I was with her, I was glad to step back and share her with her roommates and friends, her dad and stepmom, who also flew out from Denver for the weekend, and the other hundred or so people who attended the concerts each night.

Even when I was on my own in my hotel room or taking a walk, I found comfort in knowing that we were at least in the same city and state – not only just a phone call away (Thank God for Verizon family share plan!), but also just a four minute drive from the hotel to campus.

Somewhere along the way, it’s happened. I’ve turned into “Desperate Mom” – I’ll take whatever connection I can find!

And to me, this is Choosing Love Today. I can miss her. I can be happy for the life she’s creating for herself as an adult. I can be grateful for the time we have together. I can step back and observe her in her life. I can focus on my own life quite well when we don’t talk for a while. I can feel selfish sometimes and want more time with her. I can honor the path she’s chosen in her life.

And I can experience all of these feelings concurrently. They can gracefully co-exist, swirling and intermingling all together, all at once.

As I wrote in the acknowledgments in my book:

Of all the job titles and descriptions I’ve had throughout this lifetime, my favorite one always has been and always will be “Amie’s Mom.”

Am I a “Desperate Mom?” You bet!

And I can live with that.

In addition to my annoyance that 2 of the “3 R’s” (reading, writing, arithmetic) do not actually begin with the letter “R”, I think there’s one important “R” missing from our schools – Relationship: teaching our children how to make confident, healthy relationship and life choices.

All the emphasis placed on making sure our children know how to read, write, and do math is most definitely valid. A community, country, or world filled with people who are functionally illiterate is a scary thing. And at the same time, when these skills are in the spotlight of every debate on school reform to the predominant exclusion of teaching them how to treat each other with respect, it’s kind of like focusing just on exercises to build your biceps, and ignoring equal time to build your triceps – it creates an imbalance.

And the imbalance we’re experiencing right now is what I call a cycle of “Relationship Illiteracy.” We cannot teach our children what we haven’t learned yet. So even though they probably WANT more peace and harmony in their relationships, they just don’t know how or what to do instead. Then the only choice is to fall back on what they’ve learned from us adults. This is just as scary as functional illiteracy.

To my delight, I’m starting to see many more articles about bringing these “soft skills” into our schools; about bringing “soul” into our schools. (”Welcoming Soul to Our Schools”, Shift in Action magazine, June/August 2008) I’m jazzed to know that people out there who care about the development of our children as whole, complete people are doing the studies, gathering the statistics, and developing programs. We like the statistics. They make us feel smart. And when we feel smart, we feel safe.

Try for a moment, though, to suspend the need for statistics, data and studies and to prove what we already know in our hearts to be true:

When our students feel more confident in their relationship and life choices, they’ll feel safer, be more engaged in school, and be more proficient at learning and applying the other three “R”s. Attendance, standardized test scores and graduation rates will go up, dropout rates will go down, and the other “social ills” associated with poor performance at school will be positively impacted.

Sure sounds like a fabulous idea to me! And as I talk to more and more people about it, I’ve been greeted with unanimous and enthusiastic agreement. We just know that teaching our children how to make conscious life choices and engage in more compassionate communication is important. It feels to me like we breathe a collective sigh of relief and release just to think about the possibilities.

I also think this is one of the things I’m here to do with my Work/Calling/Mission: to Break this Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.

I also know that this shift will happen gradually along the path of our cultural, spiritual, and emotional evolution. And, at the risk of indulging in a few worn metaphors, Rome wasn’t built in a day, every mighty oak tree begins as a small acorn, and a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So, to Choose Love Today, I’ll keep talking about it and writing about it, reading the articles, planting the seeds, and taking the steps. And I’ll continue to be open to ways I can further define and articulate my unique contribution to our children’s growth, peace of mind, joy and happiness.

How about you?????

I don’t know if it’s my Myers-Briggs or 360 or DiSC profile, astrological sign, genetic makeup or cultural conditioning, but I have a hard time with the nose-to-the-grindstone, focus-on-the-goal structure common in contemporary business management advice.

All the business books - as well as the information I teach to my students at Coach Training Alliance - talk about the importance of a well thought-out strategic plan to ensure business success. There are 1-year plans, 5-year plans, weekly strategies, and daily goals that are all supposed to be laid out and followed, or else profit and sustainability will remain elusive.

“Plan the work and work the plan.”

And when these goals, action plans and strategies are followed systematically - voilà! A profitable business!

I get all that. I understand the value and importance of the plans and the strategies. I really do. And I still struggle with it. My challenge is that I seem to get caught up way too frequently in the "head stuff" of my plans - how I can make it work, make it happen, make it do something! I assume that if I think about it all hard enough, I’ll get some brilliant answer - the TRUTH of how I’m supposed to do what I’m here to do.

That’s when the anxiety would creep in and I’d begin pacing around my office and my home. Then I’d try to solve the “problem” of being distracted! For years it’s felt like a vicious cycle, and I’d end up in what I call “overwhelm-induced inertia.”

Since inertia isn’t a very good business-building strategy either, I recently decided to try a new approach. Whenever I found myself pacing and trying to fight the anxiety, I would ask my Spirit/Higher Self what I needed most in that moment.

The most consistent answer? “GO LIE DOWN!”

At first, this sounded a bit odd. It seemed less like divinely inspired guidance and more like another avoidance strategy. But what I found out was that when I followed that guidance, it got me out of my head - the arrogance of my ego thinking it could actually figure it all out - and allowed the wisdom in my Heart to be heard.

It was as if my head got so clogged up with all the possibilities and ideas - albeit extremely creative ideas - it was all about me trying to MAKE something happen. And forcing success is really exhausting!

When I went to lie down - on my bed, on the floor, on the couch - I was pleasantly surprised: I relaxed. I emptied my mind and I opened my heart. It was then that the real HOW of my work started becoming clearer. My most important actions and tasks would come to the surface, and the next step would make a lot of sense.

So I’ve moved past the perception that it’s weird, and now I follow the guidance I receive. Sometimes I lie down for 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, or sometimes an hour. Sometimes it’s just once during a day, sometimes it’s 5 or 6 times that I stop what I’m doing and go lie down. (I even got stuck while writing this article and had to go lie down for a few minutes!)

And what I’m discovering is that after lying down (or sometimes sitting in a chair) and opening my heart to the next step, I’m actually a lot more focused and productive than I was when I used to spend that same amount of time anxiously trying to make my brain think harder.

What does this have to do with choosing love today - the purpose of this blog? Well, I know that my pacing and anxiety comes from fear. My head thinks that if I don’t figure it out, I’ll fail, go bankrupt, yada, yada, yada. Conversely, when I choose to listen to my Higher Wisdom, I’m definitely choosing Love. I feel that I’m co-creating my business strategies with the Universe - a nice business partner to have.

When I trust that I’m headed in the right direction to fulfill my purpose and my calling, and that I don’t have to know all the specifics right now about HOW I’m going to get there, I know I’m definitely choosing Love.

And it’s not that weird after all. My friend and colleague, Drayton Boylston, owner of the Rescue Institute and the author of Coming UnScrooged! A Contemporary Classic of Corporate Rescue & Redemption, shared with me a while back that he coaches his executive clients to spend some time every day being quiet and reflecting. And an increasing number of companies are starting to provide space for people to nap or meditate in the middle of the work day as a way to increase productivity.

So there it is - my new business strategy. I encourage you to try it - Choose Love & GO LIE DOWN!

From a small article in this morning’s Rocky Mountain News:

Wendy Portillo, a kindergarten teacher in Port St. Lucie, Florida, has been removed from her classroom because she allowed the class to “vote out” Alex, a 5-year-old boy, because of his behavioral problems. His mother said he is currently being tested for Asperger’s Disease, a type of high-functioning autism.

Each classmate was allowed to say what they didn’t like about him, then they took a 14-2 vote to oust him from the class.

I have to say that this kind of story really tests my ability to be a Compassionate Observer. I had a wide range of initial reactions. I wanted to rail at Wendy Portillo. I wanted to shake her and ask her, “What on earth were you thinking???” I wanted to scream at her insensitivity. I wanted to vote her off the planet!

Once I took a deep breath, though, my secondary reactions were different.

I sent Wendy Portillo much softer energy, hoping that this will be an opportunity for her to wake up a little bit - or a lot - more. I hope this opens her up to more compassion. I hope she gains some clarity about whatever fears she’s carrying that clouded her judgment and somehow made this kind of behavior acceptable in her mind.

I sent loving thoughts to the boy’s mother. I hope she does not use this to help Alex to become a victim. I hope she assists him in using this opportunity to find his unique own path through his life.

I sent Alex’s classmates lots of compassionate energy, with the hope that they will somehow see that this is definitely NOT how you treat ANYONE. I hope their parents will help them develop empathy - to try to understand what it would have felt like if they were Alex in that situation.

And I sent Alex lots of loving energy. My hope for him is that this experience helps him discover and develop his inner strength. I hope it helps him to be the kind of person he would have liked his teacher and classmates to have been. I hope his heart stays open, and his thoughts remain gentle for himself and for others. I hope his light continues to shine more brightly every day.

My first major exposure to the concept of compassion was when I began exploring Buddhism. I took an introductory class at a Buddhism center here in Denver about 7 years ago. And my best friend Scott gave me a book called “Bones of the Master”. Increasingly intrigued, I started reading more books written about Buddhism and the Dalai Lama, and books written by the Dalai Lama - he’s a prolific writer!

And he’s become my idol - or at least my most inspiring role model for the true power of how compassion can change lives.

I loved a documentary that I saw recently on his life. It’s titled 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama, here’s the link: http://www.thedalailamamovie.com/

It was a fascinating and comprehensive look at this “humble monk’s” life.

What continues to blow me away about his life is that he was forced out of his own country when I was 1 year old. He has been living in exile for almost MY ENTIRE LIFE!

And yet he still has compassion for the Chinese government. THAT’S the most powerful role model I know of to follow and emulate in my daily life.

So I’m intrigued about the latest development in the Chinese occupation of Tibet. After over half a century of fear-driven brutality, Chinese government officials have agreed to be in a conversation with envoys of the Dalai Lama.

This reinforces my sense that we - the Global WE - are in a time of accelerated change; of “Waking Up” at an increasingly exponential rate.

Will this situation change overnight? Heavens, no! Any expectations that the Chinese government will now fling the door open wide and allow Tibetans autonomy will only result in frustration and anger. (Remember that the Second Noble Truth of Buddhism states that resistance and attachment is the cause of all suffering.)

But does this small opening to new possibilities give me hope that we’re moving in the right direction? You betcha!

Although I don’t consider myself a practicing Buddhist, I do appreciate the philosophies and teachings of loving kindness and compassion. And I DO believe that compassion is THE PRIMARY INGREDIENT of a full, vibrant life.

So the Dalai Lama is truly my “Tibetan Idol.” If he can choose to feel compassion for the Chinese government day after day, year after year, decade after decade, I can choose love and compassion in my own small way. And I can be out in the world talking about it and writing about it - like in my blog.

If he can enter into conversation with the Chinese government with the intent of a peaceful outcome, then I can enter into conversations with people in my life who challenge my resistance and attachments, too.

So I will continue to do all that I can to choose love and compassion every day in my own life, and to help businesses and individuals create a sustainable culture of compassion in the office, at home, and in the world.

(And here’s my promotional plug - if you want more loving kindness and compassion in your relationships and in your life too, call me!)

“Wake Up Your Relationships ~ Transform Your Life ~ Heal the World”

This is the tagline that I’ve chosen for this site and for my work.

When I was at a networking event recently, I had a postcard with this on it. More than a couple people read it and replied, “Wow, that’s deep.” And a few days after that, someone else responded, “Heal the World? Yah, right. That’ll never happen.”

I started wondering if this intention of mine is being perceived as just one more example of 60s-style hippie-talk, or maybe as slick marketing hype.

Then I realized it really doesn’t matter to me what other people think about it! I already figured out that I can’t please everyone - or the other side of that: not everybody is going to like me, or agree with what I’m here to say and do.

And even though a tagline is a specific element of a marketing plan, this one also happens to be what I truly believe and am committed to working towards.

Healing the world actually does feel to me like a perfectly natural outcome of people “waking up” their relationships. (I define “Waking Up” as choosing more loving compassionate thoughts, words and actions today than you did yesterday).

I also believe we’re at a crossroads right now. I believe we’re being called to RADICALLY change the way we relate to each other. I know we can’t continue reinforcing a culture - local or global - where our relationships are based on fear, violence, blame, victim, drama, competition, intolerance, or general nastiness. This has got to change, or we’re not going to make it - perhaps at all.

And I honestly believe that it IS changing.

I know it. I feel it. And many people I know all over the world are reporting that they have the same feeling, the same knowing.

I do think we’re waking up - as individuals and as a collective, global consciousness. I think it’s been happening for a long time - generations perhaps. Maybe it’s been happening as long as we humans have inhabited this planet.

Peace. Love. Goodwill. Compassion. It’s not marketing hype. It’s not a rose-colored-glasses view of the world. It’s not hippie-hype. At least not for me.

So, is “Healing the World” really possible? I don’t know. What I DO know is that my contribution to helping us move in that direction is to put one foot in front of the other, and do the best I can to choose more loving thoughts, words and actions today than I did yesterday.

I’m willing to give it a go and see what happens - are you?