todayichooselove.com

So many recipes are handed down lovingly from generation to generation. Some become steadfast traditions, comforting us in our times of sorrow, and lifting us up in joy. Others carry with them years of sweet memories and stories that allow us a glimpse into the hearts of those that have come before us.

There’s one toxic recipe, however, that’s been unconsciously handed down throughout all of our families, probably with very few exceptions. It’s left a legacy of strife, conflict, depression, anger and discord.

Mmmm, sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Want to know what this recipe makes?

It’s the recipe for drama.

I came up with this for a staff development program I do for companies and corporations. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, and usually gets lots of laughs. Unfortunately it’s the laughter that comes from seeing ourselves all too clearly - it hits pretty close to home.

But that’s okay because we need to take the time to take an honest look at what we want to change. And if we get a bit of a chuckle out of it, all the better!

Ready? Here it is:

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Laurie’s Not-So-Favorite Recipe for Drama

1. Combine old, de-constructive beliefs with 1 Large Assumption
2. Add a pinch of Taking it Personally
3. Rapidly add 4 or 5 accusations
4. Blend generous amounts of blame and negative thoughts and add to the mixture.
5. As Drama begins to heat up, respond to all counterattacks with more flammable words
6. Continue to add fuel by loudly defending your position
7. Toss vigorously – substantial amounts of anger will magically appear
8. No stove or oven needed – Drama generates heat all by itself.

CAUTION: Do NOT honor the other person’s viewpoint, ask any clear, honest questions, take any responsibility for your words and actions, or make any collaborative suggestions – this will diffuse the heat, the Drama will stop cooking, and the anger will dissipate.

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Is this your family’s favorite recipe, too, without even knowing it?

Does this recipe show up at company picnics and church potlucks?

Does this awareness help you stir up some Compassion instead?

Are you ready to bake up some Understanding topped with Empathy?

Want to create and consume something other than Drama?

Then get cookin’!

Okay, here’s a pet peeve popping up: the No Child Left Behind Act.

It seems as though this program continues to be evaluated for its effectiveness, and all the stories I’ve read on it say it comes up way short on accomplishing its desired outcome since its inception - high standards and accountability for the learning of all children.

I LOVE the idea of finding ways to assist all of our kids to learn and grow into healthy, socially resourceful adults. What makes me crazy is that it was doomed from the start BECAUSE OF ITS TITLE.

Try this experiment: DON’T think about elephants. No, really - DON’T THINK ABOUT ELEPHANTS! What’s happening? Are you thinking about elephants? And the more you try NOT to think about elephants, are they starting to stampede through your mind?

It’s a simple brain thing - the mind doesn’t register “don’t”, “can’t”, or “not”. It just registers what comes after it. Have you ever told a child: “Do not climb on the counter!”? Where’s the next place you found that child?

The subtle, unconscious problem with NCLB is that all the mind registers is “Child Left Behind Act.” It’s totally contradictory to what we actually want for our children.

So the obvious first step to turning our good intentions into real solutions is to change the name. What if it was called the EVERY CHILD INCLUDED ACT?

Think about the energy behind these opposing titles. What’s going on in your body when you think about “NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND?” For me, my body takes a fighting stance, fist waving in the air - quite the shadow energy of fear, defensiveness, ready to attack. This is NOT where solutions live.

Now pay attention to what’s going on in your body when you think about “EVERY CHILD INCLUDED.”

My body feels an expanding energy, a sense of community, and a belief that it’s actually possible to somehow include every child. I easily shift into possibility and solution thinking - how can we include every child?

We must be much more vigilant about how we are unconsciously sabotaging the very things we want in the world by choosing the thoughts and words that contradict what we want.

This is the way you can CHOOSE LOVE TODAY - pay attention and choose your words CAREFULLY.

In the winter issue (#21) of Shift Magazine (http://www.noetics.org/publications/magazine.cfm), a publication of the Institute of Noetic Science, there are three fascinating - and I think related - tidbits in the “Research Roundup” section.

From an Ohio State University press release (August 2998):
“We’re finding that hope is consistently associated with fewer symptoms of depression [in older adults],” says Jennifer Cheavens, assistant professor of psychology at the university. The reserachers characterized hope as “having a pathway to get what you want, and the motivation and strength to follow that path.”

From a University of California at Los Angeles press release (July 2008):
An 8-week program teaching mindfulness meditation to HIV/AIDS patients was initially found to stop the decline in CD4 T cells, the cells that are attacked by HIV. They defined mindfulness meditation as “the practice of bringing an open and receptive awareness to the present moment, instead of thinking about the past or worrying about the future.”

From Science News (October 2008):
“Our data suggests that religious belief alters the brain in a way that changes how a person responds to pain,” says Oxford neuroscientist Irene Tracey. Devout Catholics in a study reported feeling peaceful and secure, as well as thinking about compassion and other religious concepts, while viewing a picture of the Virgin Mary. They related that image as especially helpful in coping with pain.

I see that these three research projects have at least one thing in common. Hope, mindfulness, and religious and spiritual practices are all a choice, and the choice is to focus on Love and compassion rather than on fear, worry, or pain.

These studies offer more evidence to the rapidly growing body of research that supports what we already know somewhere in our collective consciousness: choosing fear is de-constructive to our health, and Choosing Love is good for us.

Ripped from the headlines in today’s Rocky Mountain News:

“Find a party … to ring out the bad news of 2008″

That headline struck me as odd. It seems to imply that if we can survive until midnight on December 31^st, then we can say, “Whew, I’m glad that year’s over!”

Why is it that we think we can only start fresh on the first day of January every year? It seems that we’re missing out on a gazillion more opportunities to begin anew.

We actually get to start over every month, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. This is what it means to me to BE in the present moment. To know, and to really understand, that every thought I think, every word I speak and every action and response I choose is a chance to start fresh.

I think there’s a danger in placing such high expectations on the “new year” to fix everything that happened over the last 365 days. The higher the expectations, the farther the potential fall into disillusionment, anger, and frustration.

What if we “rang in” every day with anticipation and celebration? What if we intentionally and deliberately sought out the lessons from yesterday and applied that new wisdom to our choices today? What if we chose to bless the past rather than try to run away from it?

What if we created the intention to “ring in” every moment as a chance to begin anew?

I think I’ll give it a try, starting…….. NOW!

Here’s another interesting juxtaposition of news stories. On the front page of yesterday’s Rocky Mountain News business section were two main stories:

"Panic rules day on Wall Street" and "Spirited times for craft industry"

Apparently, along with the still pervasive panic and uncertainty about the stock market, it seems that Colorado’s craft spirits industry (small distilleries that specialize in handcrafting whiskey, vodka, gin, and fruit brandy) is undergoing one of the biggest growth spurts in the nation.

While my thinking naturally goes to the question of whether there’s a direct correlation, I also choose to use this as an opportunity to take the broader, mile-high view of the world. Yes, we’ve collectively created a global financial situation that will require more creativity to transition through than I can possibly wrap my brain around.

At the same time, I also choose to focus my thoughts on the signs of growth, possibility, expansion, and healthy businesses.

Choosing Love (which is the focus of this website!) in our collective situation is, to me, choosing the path of creative possibility thinking. This approach DOES NOT suggest that we all pretend that everything’s fine and dandy. We DO have some tough decisions to make, both individually and collectively.

But instead of creating more of the same panic by only focusing on the panic, and instead of spending time and energy pointing the finger and searching for someone else to blame, it seems that a more productive approach is to ask more productive questions:

What CAN we do about the situation right now?
How CAN we find our way through this financial upheaval we’ve created for ourselves?
Where can we put our attention and intention in order to get the outcomes we want?
How can we work together more collaboratively?
How can we do MORE of what’s going right?

There’s no quick fix when it comes to our collective evolution. Our best choice is to continue to put one foot in front of the other and always be open to new opportunities to choose love instead of fear.

One of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:

Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.

I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.

It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."

It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.

IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:

• Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
• Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
• Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
• Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
• Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
• Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
• Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.

How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)

If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

I went hiking today. My friend Owen and I hiked the West Chicago Creek trail in the Mt. Evans Wilderness Area about an hour west of Denver. We chose a comfortable pace and covered about five miles in a little over 6 hours, with lots of stops. This is not unusual for me because I love to hike, and I generally prefer a bit more of a leisurely, stop-and-look-at-the-flowers pace.

It was a trail that I hadn’t been on yet, which is always fun, too. And he picked me up at 4:30 this morning - which is a bit of a stretch for me - but it definitely made sense to get up there before too many of the rest of the city folk got into the mountains on a holiday weekend.

What WAS unusual about this adventure was that we chose to do the entire hike without speaking. From the time we hit the trailhead to the time we got back to the car, not one word. For over SIX HOURS.

For the entire hike, we didn’t say a word either to each other or to the people we passed on the trail. (Waving and smiling was still a friendly, acceptable greeting.)

Now, for those of you who’ve met me, you’re probably chuckling in total disbelief that I could be with a fun and interesting friend for that long without saying a word. For heaven’s sake, I’m a coach, trainer, author and speaker. “Words” is what I do!

Owen suggested the challenge after a conversation we had last weekend about all the chatter going on in our heads, our dependence on words, and how I sometimes feel a longing to just let go of all the words. When he suggested this experiment of a totally silent hike, my first response was: “Okay!”

Yes, my second thought was: “Oh, who am I kidding?!”, but I chose to let that one go and stick with “Okay!”

And very much to my delight, our experiment today was a beautiful success.

Without words getting in the way, I heard the birds and squirrels more distinctly than I usually do. I heard the wind as it sang through the trees and across the valley. I heard the way my footfall sounded different on different parts of the trail: very loud and crunchy on the dry gravel; kind of muffled and “thud-y” on the large rocks and the small boulders; and in the places where the trail was wetter and shadier, it actually sounded a bit hollow under my boots, like there might be some secret place hidden beneath the compacted dirt.

I also heard my heart pounding - loudly! - when we stopped to catch our breath on the steep switchbacks. I also heard the conversation and chatter of those we passed on the trail, and was grateful that we had made a different choice.

I also heard all the things in my head that I wanted to talk with Owen about along the trail - things I wanted to share, questions I wanted to ask - all the things that usually pop into my head then come out my mouth.

Then I found great joy in letting them all go unsaid and unasked. What a surprise, and definitely a treat! And we both found it amusing (laughing out loud was acceptable) to try to communicate with each other charades-style by pointing and gesturing to indicate that one of us wanted to stop for a snack, or go a different way, or sit down and rest. All in all, it was a truly eye-, ear-, and heart-opening way to spend the day.

This evening, in thinking back on the day, I realized that this experience was an exercise in choosing love. It felt loving to unconditionally accept Owen’s challenge, because it was important to him to try it, and I was honored that he asked me to share the experience with him. It felt loving to give myself permission to go WAY out of my comfort zone. It felt loving be out in the wilderness more fully present than I have been before. I felt that I chose love when I chose to BE with another human being in a way that challenged and transcended my typical reliance on words.

Don’t get me wrong - I still love to talk to people, and I’m not giving it up. And I will continue to love my work as a coach, a trainer, and a speaker. At the same time, my capacity for communicating at different levels with others has now been expanded, and that’s exciting for me - thank you for this wonderful gift, Owen!

Here’s my “Today I Choose Love” Challenge for you - stay open to the unique opportunities in your life to step up and say, “OKAY!” Give yourself permission to stretch your comfort zones. BE present, listen, and just say…Nothing!

I don’t know if it’s my Myers-Briggs or 360 or DiSC profile, astrological sign, genetic makeup or cultural conditioning, but I have a hard time with the nose-to-the-grindstone, focus-on-the-goal structure common in contemporary business management advice.

All the business books - as well as the information I teach to my students at Coach Training Alliance - talk about the importance of a well thought-out strategic plan to ensure business success. There are 1-year plans, 5-year plans, weekly strategies, and daily goals that are all supposed to be laid out and followed, or else profit and sustainability will remain elusive.

“Plan the work and work the plan.”

And when these goals, action plans and strategies are followed systematically - voilà! A profitable business!

I get all that. I understand the value and importance of the plans and the strategies. I really do. And I still struggle with it. My challenge is that I seem to get caught up way too frequently in the "head stuff" of my plans - how I can make it work, make it happen, make it do something! I assume that if I think about it all hard enough, I’ll get some brilliant answer - the TRUTH of how I’m supposed to do what I’m here to do.

That’s when the anxiety would creep in and I’d begin pacing around my office and my home. Then I’d try to solve the “problem” of being distracted! For years it’s felt like a vicious cycle, and I’d end up in what I call “overwhelm-induced inertia.”

Since inertia isn’t a very good business-building strategy either, I recently decided to try a new approach. Whenever I found myself pacing and trying to fight the anxiety, I would ask my Spirit/Higher Self what I needed most in that moment.

The most consistent answer? “GO LIE DOWN!”

At first, this sounded a bit odd. It seemed less like divinely inspired guidance and more like another avoidance strategy. But what I found out was that when I followed that guidance, it got me out of my head - the arrogance of my ego thinking it could actually figure it all out - and allowed the wisdom in my Heart to be heard.

It was as if my head got so clogged up with all the possibilities and ideas - albeit extremely creative ideas - it was all about me trying to MAKE something happen. And forcing success is really exhausting!

When I went to lie down - on my bed, on the floor, on the couch - I was pleasantly surprised: I relaxed. I emptied my mind and I opened my heart. It was then that the real HOW of my work started becoming clearer. My most important actions and tasks would come to the surface, and the next step would make a lot of sense.

So I’ve moved past the perception that it’s weird, and now I follow the guidance I receive. Sometimes I lie down for 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, or sometimes an hour. Sometimes it’s just once during a day, sometimes it’s 5 or 6 times that I stop what I’m doing and go lie down. (I even got stuck while writing this article and had to go lie down for a few minutes!)

And what I’m discovering is that after lying down (or sometimes sitting in a chair) and opening my heart to the next step, I’m actually a lot more focused and productive than I was when I used to spend that same amount of time anxiously trying to make my brain think harder.

What does this have to do with choosing love today - the purpose of this blog? Well, I know that my pacing and anxiety comes from fear. My head thinks that if I don’t figure it out, I’ll fail, go bankrupt, yada, yada, yada. Conversely, when I choose to listen to my Higher Wisdom, I’m definitely choosing Love. I feel that I’m co-creating my business strategies with the Universe - a nice business partner to have.

When I trust that I’m headed in the right direction to fulfill my purpose and my calling, and that I don’t have to know all the specifics right now about HOW I’m going to get there, I know I’m definitely choosing Love.

And it’s not that weird after all. My friend and colleague, Drayton Boylston, owner of the Rescue Institute and the author of Coming UnScrooged! A Contemporary Classic of Corporate Rescue & Redemption, shared with me a while back that he coaches his executive clients to spend some time every day being quiet and reflecting. And an increasing number of companies are starting to provide space for people to nap or meditate in the middle of the work day as a way to increase productivity.

So there it is - my new business strategy. I encourage you to try it - Choose Love & GO LIE DOWN!

Just a quick reframe (which is what we coaches do!):

A little while back, I was reading an article about financial success. The author, like pretty much every other financial "expert" out there, had the same piece of advice as the rest:

"Don’t spend more than you make!"

I’ve always felt really icky when I’ve read that or heard that.

First off, I really don’t like anyone telling me what I CAN’T do. When that happens, my inner petulant child usually leaps up in defiance and cries, "You’re not the boss of me!"

After that initial reaction, I also realized that this approach to money felt WAY too small, limiting, restrictive and even a bit claustrophobic. It was as if someone had lowered the money roof to just above my head and declared: "You should NEVER spend more than… (fill in the blank with whatever my current income is).

Then I had a "reframe flash": Right then and there I decided that I wanted to focus on something different; something more positive. I decided that I will:

MAKE MORE MONEY THAN I WANT TO SPEND!

All of a sudden, I felt liberated - like I had the power to raise the roof to whatever height I wanted it to be.

Now, instead of feeling limited by my income: "I can’t afford that", I ask myself a different question: "How can I make the money I need so I can do what I’m here to do?"

Now, I’m not just raising the roof, I’m blowing it off the top of the house! And frankly, that feels much better.