todayichooselove.com

Tis the season! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanzaa, a combination of the above, all of the above, or none of the above, it’s hard to not notice that there’s a lot of hustlin’ and bustlin’ going on. (Well, maybe not THAT kind of hustlin’!)

Gift-buying, gift-wrapping, cookie-baking, latke-frying, tree-trimming, candle-lighting, turkey-stuffing, eggnog-swilling…. It’s a good time of year!

At this time of traditional gift-giving, I want to add one more gift to your list. It’s one you can give to everyone on your list, and one size really does fit all! (In clothing, that’s a bit of a crock, but for this gift, it actually applies!)

It’s a gift you can give your children, your partner or spouse, your parents, your pets, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, your boss, your employees… EVERYONE in your life.

It’s the gift of Compassion.

Here’s what’s included in the gift of Compassion:

• Treat everyone’s feelings as valid;
• Honor that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in this moment;
• Have some faith that our “best” can be better tomorrow;
• Understand that their weirdness or dysfunction comes from the same fears that you have, too - fear of not feeling safe, connected or valued.

You don’t actually have to say anything out loud or even be in the same city as the person, although a sincere “thank you for being in my life” is a beautiful thing.

All you have to do is hold the person in your mind and imagine a beautiful white light streaming out of your heart and into theirs. And remember to smile when you’re doing that.

The gift of Compassion is especially marvelous when it’s given to a person with whom you have the most difficulty offering it to. Can’t quite get to compassion with him/her? Then aim for neutral.

Take a deep breath and release the negative, victim-based snarky thoughts. Imagine hosing down your heart, washing all of those thoughts away. Then smile and notice how much lighter you feel.

Compassion is the real gift that keeps on giving. So wrap it up, and start handing it out!

I had the pleasure of spending this weekend in visiting my daughter, Amie. She’s a senior (when did THAT happen??) at Westminster College, a small college of about 2800 students nestled in the beautiful Sugar House neighborhood in southwest Salt Lake City, Utah.

She’s a soprano in the Westminster Chamber Singers, and I flew out to attend both the Friday and Saturday evening performances of their holiday concert. The concerts were wonderful, the weather was really fabulous for this time of year, and it’s always great to get away.

The best part of it, though, was the time I spent one-on-one with Amie. At 21 years old, the time I actually have with her keeps dwindling as she continues to carve out her own life. Heck, the time we spend in the same zip code is already pretty scarce.

Out of the whole weekend, we had about four hours together, just she and I. Saturday morning we spent two hours talking about school, life, and (of course!) boys at a Starbuck’s, and we hung out for another couple of hours Saturday afternoon at another coffee house, where we both worked on our laptops and didn’t talk.

The rest of the time I was with her, I was glad to step back and share her with her roommates and friends, her dad and stepmom, who also flew out from Denver for the weekend, and the other hundred or so people who attended the concerts each night.

Even when I was on my own in my hotel room or taking a walk, I found comfort in knowing that we were at least in the same city and state – not only just a phone call away (Thank God for Verizon family share plan!), but also just a four minute drive from the hotel to campus.

Somewhere along the way, it’s happened. I’ve turned into “Desperate Mom” – I’ll take whatever connection I can find!

And to me, this is Choosing Love Today. I can miss her. I can be happy for the life she’s creating for herself as an adult. I can be grateful for the time we have together. I can step back and observe her in her life. I can focus on my own life quite well when we don’t talk for a while. I can feel selfish sometimes and want more time with her. I can honor the path she’s chosen in her life.

And I can experience all of these feelings concurrently. They can gracefully co-exist, swirling and intermingling all together, all at once.

As I wrote in the acknowledgments in my book:

Of all the job titles and descriptions I’ve had throughout this lifetime, my favorite one always has been and always will be “Amie’s Mom.”

Am I a “Desperate Mom?” You bet!

And I can live with that.

Yeah, that “C” word: Commitment. I’ve got more of it today.

Yesterday I had the privilege of being one of 26 volunteer adult facilitators at a Challenge Day in a Denver high school (see link below). It was a 6-hour emotional roller coaster with 130 ninth-graders to help them – and us adults - better understand that they are not alone in what they’re feeling and experiencing, that aggression, violence and oppression in any form hurts us all, and that they deserve to feel safe, loved and celebrated.

Without going into the details of the day, suffice it to say that it was beyond inspirational. It was the metaphorical Cosmic 2×4 – make that the Cosmic Railroad Tie – whacking me upside my head, not-so-gently informing me that it’s time to take the next giant leap into The Great Unknown of the How, Where and What of my Work: to build a sustainable culture of compassion at home, at work, in our schools, and in the world by breaking what I call “The Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.”
(www.lauriecameron.com/fromfeartolove.html)

It was a heart-wrenching honor to bear witness as these kids dropped many of their masks and revealed the depth of pain, sadness and hurt they’ve been holding in. The lives of EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 130 children has been touched somehow by drugs, alcohol, bullying, physical or emotional abuse, guns, gangs, murder, suicide, racial or religious persecution, incarceration, or harassment - all in the span of 14 or 15 short years of life on this planet.

And a big handful felt like they’ve never even had the chance to be a kid – they’ve never felt safe enough to just play. Pretty sobering.

Here’s where the C-word comes in to this story.

At the end of the day, the two facilitators invited anyone who felt called to step up to the microphone and share what the day had meant to them, and what changes they were going to make in their lives. There were some apologies to fellow students for teasing, and there were thank-you’s to people who were no longer in the child’s life. An adult volunteer who is also a teacher at the school apologized to a student for riding him so hard, and explained that it was because he wants the boy to live up to the great potential he sees in him.

I stepped up. Through tears and sobs, I apologized to each one of them for every adult in their lives that didn’t know how to help them feel safe, or to feel loved and valued as the amazing, beautiful human being each one of them truly is.

Then I made my commitment to them: I promised them that I will push through my own fear-induced procrastination, and I will find a way to do what I’m here to do.

This is not a new commitment. I’ve been gaining clarity and working through my own fears for what seems like a very long time. What’s new is that I made this commitment to THEM; to 130 young men and women who, by their very existence, really DO deserve to feel safe, loved, and celebrated. For some reason, that takes all of this to a new level for me today. And somehow, some way, I will keep my promise to them.

If you want to get involved with Challenge Day, you can find more details at www.ChallengeDay.org.

One of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:

Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.

I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.

It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."

It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.

IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:

• Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
• Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
• Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
• Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
• Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
• Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
• Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.

How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)

If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

In addition to my annoyance that 2 of the “3 R’s” (reading, writing, arithmetic) do not actually begin with the letter “R”, I think there’s one important “R” missing from our schools – Relationship: teaching our children how to make confident, healthy relationship and life choices.

All the emphasis placed on making sure our children know how to read, write, and do math is most definitely valid. A community, country, or world filled with people who are functionally illiterate is a scary thing. And at the same time, when these skills are in the spotlight of every debate on school reform to the predominant exclusion of teaching them how to treat each other with respect, it’s kind of like focusing just on exercises to build your biceps, and ignoring equal time to build your triceps – it creates an imbalance.

And the imbalance we’re experiencing right now is what I call a cycle of “Relationship Illiteracy.” We cannot teach our children what we haven’t learned yet. So even though they probably WANT more peace and harmony in their relationships, they just don’t know how or what to do instead. Then the only choice is to fall back on what they’ve learned from us adults. This is just as scary as functional illiteracy.

To my delight, I’m starting to see many more articles about bringing these “soft skills” into our schools; about bringing “soul” into our schools. (”Welcoming Soul to Our Schools”, Shift in Action magazine, June/August 2008) I’m jazzed to know that people out there who care about the development of our children as whole, complete people are doing the studies, gathering the statistics, and developing programs. We like the statistics. They make us feel smart. And when we feel smart, we feel safe.

Try for a moment, though, to suspend the need for statistics, data and studies and to prove what we already know in our hearts to be true:

When our students feel more confident in their relationship and life choices, they’ll feel safer, be more engaged in school, and be more proficient at learning and applying the other three “R”s. Attendance, standardized test scores and graduation rates will go up, dropout rates will go down, and the other “social ills” associated with poor performance at school will be positively impacted.

Sure sounds like a fabulous idea to me! And as I talk to more and more people about it, I’ve been greeted with unanimous and enthusiastic agreement. We just know that teaching our children how to make conscious life choices and engage in more compassionate communication is important. It feels to me like we breathe a collective sigh of relief and release just to think about the possibilities.

I also think this is one of the things I’m here to do with my Work/Calling/Mission: to Break this Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.

I also know that this shift will happen gradually along the path of our cultural, spiritual, and emotional evolution. And, at the risk of indulging in a few worn metaphors, Rome wasn’t built in a day, every mighty oak tree begins as a small acorn, and a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So, to Choose Love Today, I’ll keep talking about it and writing about it, reading the articles, planting the seeds, and taking the steps. And I’ll continue to be open to ways I can further define and articulate my unique contribution to our children’s growth, peace of mind, joy and happiness.

How about you?????

I went hiking today. My friend Owen and I hiked the West Chicago Creek trail in the Mt. Evans Wilderness Area about an hour west of Denver. We chose a comfortable pace and covered about five miles in a little over 6 hours, with lots of stops. This is not unusual for me because I love to hike, and I generally prefer a bit more of a leisurely, stop-and-look-at-the-flowers pace.

It was a trail that I hadn’t been on yet, which is always fun, too. And he picked me up at 4:30 this morning - which is a bit of a stretch for me - but it definitely made sense to get up there before too many of the rest of the city folk got into the mountains on a holiday weekend.

What WAS unusual about this adventure was that we chose to do the entire hike without speaking. From the time we hit the trailhead to the time we got back to the car, not one word. For over SIX HOURS.

For the entire hike, we didn’t say a word either to each other or to the people we passed on the trail. (Waving and smiling was still a friendly, acceptable greeting.)

Now, for those of you who’ve met me, you’re probably chuckling in total disbelief that I could be with a fun and interesting friend for that long without saying a word. For heaven’s sake, I’m a coach, trainer, author and speaker. “Words” is what I do!

Owen suggested the challenge after a conversation we had last weekend about all the chatter going on in our heads, our dependence on words, and how I sometimes feel a longing to just let go of all the words. When he suggested this experiment of a totally silent hike, my first response was: “Okay!”

Yes, my second thought was: “Oh, who am I kidding?!”, but I chose to let that one go and stick with “Okay!”

And very much to my delight, our experiment today was a beautiful success.

Without words getting in the way, I heard the birds and squirrels more distinctly than I usually do. I heard the wind as it sang through the trees and across the valley. I heard the way my footfall sounded different on different parts of the trail: very loud and crunchy on the dry gravel; kind of muffled and “thud-y” on the large rocks and the small boulders; and in the places where the trail was wetter and shadier, it actually sounded a bit hollow under my boots, like there might be some secret place hidden beneath the compacted dirt.

I also heard my heart pounding - loudly! - when we stopped to catch our breath on the steep switchbacks. I also heard the conversation and chatter of those we passed on the trail, and was grateful that we had made a different choice.

I also heard all the things in my head that I wanted to talk with Owen about along the trail - things I wanted to share, questions I wanted to ask - all the things that usually pop into my head then come out my mouth.

Then I found great joy in letting them all go unsaid and unasked. What a surprise, and definitely a treat! And we both found it amusing (laughing out loud was acceptable) to try to communicate with each other charades-style by pointing and gesturing to indicate that one of us wanted to stop for a snack, or go a different way, or sit down and rest. All in all, it was a truly eye-, ear-, and heart-opening way to spend the day.

This evening, in thinking back on the day, I realized that this experience was an exercise in choosing love. It felt loving to unconditionally accept Owen’s challenge, because it was important to him to try it, and I was honored that he asked me to share the experience with him. It felt loving to give myself permission to go WAY out of my comfort zone. It felt loving be out in the wilderness more fully present than I have been before. I felt that I chose love when I chose to BE with another human being in a way that challenged and transcended my typical reliance on words.

Don’t get me wrong - I still love to talk to people, and I’m not giving it up. And I will continue to love my work as a coach, a trainer, and a speaker. At the same time, my capacity for communicating at different levels with others has now been expanded, and that’s exciting for me - thank you for this wonderful gift, Owen!

Here’s my “Today I Choose Love” Challenge for you - stay open to the unique opportunities in your life to step up and say, “OKAY!” Give yourself permission to stretch your comfort zones. BE present, listen, and just say…Nothing!

I don’t know if it’s my Myers-Briggs or 360 or DiSC profile, astrological sign, genetic makeup or cultural conditioning, but I have a hard time with the nose-to-the-grindstone, focus-on-the-goal structure common in contemporary business management advice.

All the business books - as well as the information I teach to my students at Coach Training Alliance - talk about the importance of a well thought-out strategic plan to ensure business success. There are 1-year plans, 5-year plans, weekly strategies, and daily goals that are all supposed to be laid out and followed, or else profit and sustainability will remain elusive.

“Plan the work and work the plan.”

And when these goals, action plans and strategies are followed systematically - voilà! A profitable business!

I get all that. I understand the value and importance of the plans and the strategies. I really do. And I still struggle with it. My challenge is that I seem to get caught up way too frequently in the "head stuff" of my plans - how I can make it work, make it happen, make it do something! I assume that if I think about it all hard enough, I’ll get some brilliant answer - the TRUTH of how I’m supposed to do what I’m here to do.

That’s when the anxiety would creep in and I’d begin pacing around my office and my home. Then I’d try to solve the “problem” of being distracted! For years it’s felt like a vicious cycle, and I’d end up in what I call “overwhelm-induced inertia.”

Since inertia isn’t a very good business-building strategy either, I recently decided to try a new approach. Whenever I found myself pacing and trying to fight the anxiety, I would ask my Spirit/Higher Self what I needed most in that moment.

The most consistent answer? “GO LIE DOWN!”

At first, this sounded a bit odd. It seemed less like divinely inspired guidance and more like another avoidance strategy. But what I found out was that when I followed that guidance, it got me out of my head - the arrogance of my ego thinking it could actually figure it all out - and allowed the wisdom in my Heart to be heard.

It was as if my head got so clogged up with all the possibilities and ideas - albeit extremely creative ideas - it was all about me trying to MAKE something happen. And forcing success is really exhausting!

When I went to lie down - on my bed, on the floor, on the couch - I was pleasantly surprised: I relaxed. I emptied my mind and I opened my heart. It was then that the real HOW of my work started becoming clearer. My most important actions and tasks would come to the surface, and the next step would make a lot of sense.

So I’ve moved past the perception that it’s weird, and now I follow the guidance I receive. Sometimes I lie down for 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, or sometimes an hour. Sometimes it’s just once during a day, sometimes it’s 5 or 6 times that I stop what I’m doing and go lie down. (I even got stuck while writing this article and had to go lie down for a few minutes!)

And what I’m discovering is that after lying down (or sometimes sitting in a chair) and opening my heart to the next step, I’m actually a lot more focused and productive than I was when I used to spend that same amount of time anxiously trying to make my brain think harder.

What does this have to do with choosing love today - the purpose of this blog? Well, I know that my pacing and anxiety comes from fear. My head thinks that if I don’t figure it out, I’ll fail, go bankrupt, yada, yada, yada. Conversely, when I choose to listen to my Higher Wisdom, I’m definitely choosing Love. I feel that I’m co-creating my business strategies with the Universe - a nice business partner to have.

When I trust that I’m headed in the right direction to fulfill my purpose and my calling, and that I don’t have to know all the specifics right now about HOW I’m going to get there, I know I’m definitely choosing Love.

And it’s not that weird after all. My friend and colleague, Drayton Boylston, owner of the Rescue Institute and the author of Coming UnScrooged! A Contemporary Classic of Corporate Rescue & Redemption, shared with me a while back that he coaches his executive clients to spend some time every day being quiet and reflecting. And an increasing number of companies are starting to provide space for people to nap or meditate in the middle of the work day as a way to increase productivity.

So there it is - my new business strategy. I encourage you to try it - Choose Love & GO LIE DOWN!

Welcome to my blog site, so nice of you to drop by! As I learn about all the ins and outs of this amazing technology this site will grow.

So please subscribe - either by email updates, or by RSS feed. (Hint: if you’re like me until recently, and don’t know what an RSS feed is, subscribe to the email updates.) That way, you’ll get instant notification of new posts, new events, special announcements, and all the other great things this can do to keep us connected.

After all, that’s what this whole online thing is all about, right? We can be part of creating a community that spans the entire planet - something that we weren’t able to do in quite this way before. Ain’t technology grand?

There’s still no real substitute for face to face, eye to eye, or even voice to voice contact. But until we can wiggle our noses like Samantha on Bewitched, or do the Star Trek Beam Me Up thing, this is definitely the next best way to share, collaborate, and create a more compassionate world together.

Please come back often, read new posts, and share your comments and thoughts.

You can also use the Contact Me page to send me your thoughts and comments if you don’t want to post them publicly.

With Gratitude,

Laurie