todayichooselove.com

Headline in last week’s Denver Post: “School aims to expel hate.”

There’s a new program called “No Place for Hate” designed by the
Anti-Defamation League. At its heart, it’s totally on the right track. As
are the Campaign for Non-Violence, the War on Terror, and the Fight
Against… fill in your own blank: cancer, illness, disease, obesity,
bullying, etc.

All of these programs want what we all want - a peaceful world where we
live healthy, productive, prosperous lives, and treat each other with
respect and compassion.

I WANT THAT, TOO!

However, what we just don’t get yet in our collective unconsciousness is
that we will never fully achieve those goals until we change our language.
You get what you focus on and put your energy towards. This is another
case of “don’t think about elephants.”

How can you NOT think about something if you’re using it in your language? How can you be NON or ANTI anything? It focuses all your energy on and creates a struggle against the very thing you don’t want, which by design is the very thing you end up creating more of!

Are you getting the irony here?

Our language MUST reflect what we want to move towards, NOT what we want
to get rid of.

So “No Place for Hate” becomes “The Right Place for Trust & Respect.”
The “Campaign for Non-Violence” becomes “The Campaign for Peace and
Compassion.” The “Fight Against Cancer” becomes “Creating Sustainable Health.”

The “War on Terror”… well, that’s just all bizarre in every way.

And it’s absolutely absurd to think we can “fight” for Peace!

I’m feeling a bit soap-box-ish this morning. And I’m okay with that. This
shift in our language is absolutely essential to creating the world we
want. And we have to begin NOW!!! Right now, this moment.

It’s not about choosing to make this shift in your language, then BOOM.
everything’s different and all hunky dory. It’s a moment-by-moment,
choice-by-choice process that helps you grow and evolve over time. It
takes patience and diligence to create new language patterns and habits.

As you make more and more of these shifts in your language, you’ll begin
to see different results showing up in your life. Be sure to pay attention
to those, too!

So get out there today and pay attention to the words you’re choosing. Are
you focusing on what you want to have and to be, or on what you want to
get rid of? Just begin noticing.

So many recipes are handed down lovingly from generation to generation. Some become steadfast traditions, comforting us in our times of sorrow, and lifting us up in joy. Others carry with them years of sweet memories and stories that allow us a glimpse into the hearts of those that have come before us.

There’s one toxic recipe, however, that’s been unconsciously handed down throughout all of our families, probably with very few exceptions. It’s left a legacy of strife, conflict, depression, anger and discord.

Mmmm, sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Want to know what this recipe makes?

It’s the recipe for drama.

I came up with this for a staff development program I do for companies and corporations. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, and usually gets lots of laughs. Unfortunately it’s the laughter that comes from seeing ourselves all too clearly - it hits pretty close to home.

But that’s okay because we need to take the time to take an honest look at what we want to change. And if we get a bit of a chuckle out of it, all the better!

Ready? Here it is:

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Laurie’s Not-So-Favorite Recipe for Drama

1. Combine old, de-constructive beliefs with 1 Large Assumption
2. Add a pinch of Taking it Personally
3. Rapidly add 4 or 5 accusations
4. Blend generous amounts of blame and negative thoughts and add to the mixture.
5. As Drama begins to heat up, respond to all counterattacks with more flammable words
6. Continue to add fuel by loudly defending your position
7. Toss vigorously – substantial amounts of anger will magically appear
8. No stove or oven needed – Drama generates heat all by itself.

CAUTION: Do NOT honor the other person’s viewpoint, ask any clear, honest questions, take any responsibility for your words and actions, or make any collaborative suggestions – this will diffuse the heat, the Drama will stop cooking, and the anger will dissipate.

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Is this your family’s favorite recipe, too, without even knowing it?

Does this recipe show up at company picnics and church potlucks?

Does this awareness help you stir up some Compassion instead?

Are you ready to bake up some Understanding topped with Empathy?

Want to create and consume something other than Drama?

Then get cookin’!

Okay, here’s a pet peeve popping up: the No Child Left Behind Act.

It seems as though this program continues to be evaluated for its effectiveness, and all the stories I’ve read on it say it comes up way short on accomplishing its desired outcome since its inception - high standards and accountability for the learning of all children.

I LOVE the idea of finding ways to assist all of our kids to learn and grow into healthy, socially resourceful adults. What makes me crazy is that it was doomed from the start BECAUSE OF ITS TITLE.

Try this experiment: DON’T think about elephants. No, really - DON’T THINK ABOUT ELEPHANTS! What’s happening? Are you thinking about elephants? And the more you try NOT to think about elephants, are they starting to stampede through your mind?

It’s a simple brain thing - the mind doesn’t register “don’t”, “can’t”, or “not”. It just registers what comes after it. Have you ever told a child: “Do not climb on the counter!”? Where’s the next place you found that child?

The subtle, unconscious problem with NCLB is that all the mind registers is “Child Left Behind Act.” It’s totally contradictory to what we actually want for our children.

So the obvious first step to turning our good intentions into real solutions is to change the name. What if it was called the EVERY CHILD INCLUDED ACT?

Think about the energy behind these opposing titles. What’s going on in your body when you think about “NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND?” For me, my body takes a fighting stance, fist waving in the air - quite the shadow energy of fear, defensiveness, ready to attack. This is NOT where solutions live.

Now pay attention to what’s going on in your body when you think about “EVERY CHILD INCLUDED.”

My body feels an expanding energy, a sense of community, and a belief that it’s actually possible to somehow include every child. I easily shift into possibility and solution thinking - how can we include every child?

We must be much more vigilant about how we are unconsciously sabotaging the very things we want in the world by choosing the thoughts and words that contradict what we want.

This is the way you can CHOOSE LOVE TODAY - pay attention and choose your words CAREFULLY.

It takes a lot of courage to choose Love right now. It’s so much easier to unconsciously get sucked into the anger, drama and fear that’s running rampant through our collective consciousness – make that our collective UN-consciousness. And this collective unconsciousness begins with just two people agreeing to something. Then one more, then one more, then one more. Pretty soon, we have what we often refer to as “mob mentality.”

All it took for the Cowardly Lion in “The Wizard of Oz” to lapse into his knee-knocking, tail-crumpling state of fear was to buy into the Scarecrow’s belief that there were things in the forest that you’re supposed to be afraid of. In short order the Tin Man jumped on the band wagon, then Dorothy joined the panic party. Pretty soon, they were all huddled together, skittery and nervous, afraid of every noise and movement - real or imagined - in the forest. In that mindset they were a helpless and easy target for the attack of the flying monkeys. Not a very healthy way to go through a day - or a life, for that matter.

The good news, however, is that the collective UN-conscious can shift and become more conscious and healthy – it works both ways.

When Dorothy was captured by the Wicked Witch, her timid pals decided that rescuing her was worth moving through their fears. They stepped up. They worked together. Collectively, they chose Love.

And at the end of the movie, all it took was the Wizard, or more accurately, the “man behind the curtain,” to tell them that there were new possibilities, - and voilà! - their perceptions of the world were transformed. With a mere suggestion of a new “truth” about who they were and what they were capable of, they became the embodiment of Courage, Love, Intelligence, and Hope.

Did the world around them change? No. All that changed was that each of them made a new choice; they chose to focus on what was possible rather than on their fears. They chose to focus on Love. Then their world began changing, too.

So, in the midst of all the stock stuff, the mortgage mayhem, the bail-out ballyhoo, and the political pandemonium, you actually DO have a choice.

You can choose which collective mob mentality to contribute your own energies and agreements to, thereby making it more powerful. You certainly can choose anger, drama and fear. Many of us have.

Or you can step up with the rest of us and choose Courage, and Action, and Love… OH MY!

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NOTE: Sending out Love and Thanks to my dear friend, Chet Sisk, who, in his YouTube video announcing his new program, “Welcome to Life Part II,” simply and eloquently shares this concept that it only takes two people to make a new agreement. I know it’s not really a new concept, but it resonated with me, and it made sense to recycle it here. Watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT8pHnrgpLQ.

One of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:

Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.

I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.

It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."

It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.

IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:

• Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
• Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
• Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
• Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
• Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
• Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
• Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.

How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)

If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

I don’t know if it’s my Myers-Briggs or 360 or DiSC profile, astrological sign, genetic makeup or cultural conditioning, but I have a hard time with the nose-to-the-grindstone, focus-on-the-goal structure common in contemporary business management advice.

All the business books - as well as the information I teach to my students at Coach Training Alliance - talk about the importance of a well thought-out strategic plan to ensure business success. There are 1-year plans, 5-year plans, weekly strategies, and daily goals that are all supposed to be laid out and followed, or else profit and sustainability will remain elusive.

“Plan the work and work the plan.”

And when these goals, action plans and strategies are followed systematically - voilà! A profitable business!

I get all that. I understand the value and importance of the plans and the strategies. I really do. And I still struggle with it. My challenge is that I seem to get caught up way too frequently in the "head stuff" of my plans - how I can make it work, make it happen, make it do something! I assume that if I think about it all hard enough, I’ll get some brilliant answer - the TRUTH of how I’m supposed to do what I’m here to do.

That’s when the anxiety would creep in and I’d begin pacing around my office and my home. Then I’d try to solve the “problem” of being distracted! For years it’s felt like a vicious cycle, and I’d end up in what I call “overwhelm-induced inertia.”

Since inertia isn’t a very good business-building strategy either, I recently decided to try a new approach. Whenever I found myself pacing and trying to fight the anxiety, I would ask my Spirit/Higher Self what I needed most in that moment.

The most consistent answer? “GO LIE DOWN!”

At first, this sounded a bit odd. It seemed less like divinely inspired guidance and more like another avoidance strategy. But what I found out was that when I followed that guidance, it got me out of my head - the arrogance of my ego thinking it could actually figure it all out - and allowed the wisdom in my Heart to be heard.

It was as if my head got so clogged up with all the possibilities and ideas - albeit extremely creative ideas - it was all about me trying to MAKE something happen. And forcing success is really exhausting!

When I went to lie down - on my bed, on the floor, on the couch - I was pleasantly surprised: I relaxed. I emptied my mind and I opened my heart. It was then that the real HOW of my work started becoming clearer. My most important actions and tasks would come to the surface, and the next step would make a lot of sense.

So I’ve moved past the perception that it’s weird, and now I follow the guidance I receive. Sometimes I lie down for 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, or sometimes an hour. Sometimes it’s just once during a day, sometimes it’s 5 or 6 times that I stop what I’m doing and go lie down. (I even got stuck while writing this article and had to go lie down for a few minutes!)

And what I’m discovering is that after lying down (or sometimes sitting in a chair) and opening my heart to the next step, I’m actually a lot more focused and productive than I was when I used to spend that same amount of time anxiously trying to make my brain think harder.

What does this have to do with choosing love today - the purpose of this blog? Well, I know that my pacing and anxiety comes from fear. My head thinks that if I don’t figure it out, I’ll fail, go bankrupt, yada, yada, yada. Conversely, when I choose to listen to my Higher Wisdom, I’m definitely choosing Love. I feel that I’m co-creating my business strategies with the Universe - a nice business partner to have.

When I trust that I’m headed in the right direction to fulfill my purpose and my calling, and that I don’t have to know all the specifics right now about HOW I’m going to get there, I know I’m definitely choosing Love.

And it’s not that weird after all. My friend and colleague, Drayton Boylston, owner of the Rescue Institute and the author of Coming UnScrooged! A Contemporary Classic of Corporate Rescue & Redemption, shared with me a while back that he coaches his executive clients to spend some time every day being quiet and reflecting. And an increasing number of companies are starting to provide space for people to nap or meditate in the middle of the work day as a way to increase productivity.

So there it is - my new business strategy. I encourage you to try it - Choose Love & GO LIE DOWN!

Just a quick reframe (which is what we coaches do!):

A little while back, I was reading an article about financial success. The author, like pretty much every other financial "expert" out there, had the same piece of advice as the rest:

"Don’t spend more than you make!"

I’ve always felt really icky when I’ve read that or heard that.

First off, I really don’t like anyone telling me what I CAN’T do. When that happens, my inner petulant child usually leaps up in defiance and cries, "You’re not the boss of me!"

After that initial reaction, I also realized that this approach to money felt WAY too small, limiting, restrictive and even a bit claustrophobic. It was as if someone had lowered the money roof to just above my head and declared: "You should NEVER spend more than… (fill in the blank with whatever my current income is).

Then I had a "reframe flash": Right then and there I decided that I wanted to focus on something different; something more positive. I decided that I will:

MAKE MORE MONEY THAN I WANT TO SPEND!

All of a sudden, I felt liberated - like I had the power to raise the roof to whatever height I wanted it to be.

Now, instead of feeling limited by my income: "I can’t afford that", I ask myself a different question: "How can I make the money I need so I can do what I’m here to do?"

Now, I’m not just raising the roof, I’m blowing it off the top of the house! And frankly, that feels much better.