todayichooselove.com

I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about the shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, on April 20, 1999. I was at the South Metro Denver Chamber of Commerce office about 5 miles away from the school. The vision of that moment in that office is permanently etched in my mind.

I remember later that day, at home watching it unfold on TV, tears streaming, fists clenched, willing time to go faster so I could meet my 12-year-old daughter at the bus stop. I remember the frantic need to hold onto her and never let her go - anywhere, ever.

I remember feeling the weight of the collective shock and grief of my hometown, and how I could feel it spread across Colorado, the nation, and around the planet.

There are a lot of memories I can recall, but just recollection is not the purpose of this post. The biggest memory is how desperate I was to find some sense of compassion for the two boys who forever changed our sense of safety and security in our schools.

I know this is extremely controversial and carries a gigantic emotional charge for many. I respect however you choose to feel about this event. Whatever this post brings up for you is valid because it is part of who you are. What I won’t do is debate or defend my desire to explore and understand compassion.

To me, choosing love and choosing compassion is choosing to see the spark of the Divine in EVERYONE. Choosing compassion neither condones nor condemns. Compassion is by no means justification for reprehensible or abhorrent behavior. Compassion is not a moral judgment. It’s not wound tightly together with good/bad and right/wrong labels.

To me, Compassion is the unconditional acknowledgment that we are all doing the best we can with the skills, tools and awareness we have in the moment. This definition allows for unlimited growth - our “best” can be better tomorrow because of what we learn from our choices today.

And Compassion can often be a very difficult state to achieve, especially within the context of an unfathomably traumatic event such as this.

So today, on the eve of the 10-year anniversary of the Columbine shootings, I Choose Love. I Choose Compassion. To all of us affected by the events of that day 10 years ago, including the global ripple effect it has had in countless ways, my wish is for Peace in our hearts and in our minds. My wish for us is to have a greater awareness of our fears, and a clear path in front of us toward greater Compassion.

So many recipes are handed down lovingly from generation to generation. Some become steadfast traditions, comforting us in our times of sorrow, and lifting us up in joy. Others carry with them years of sweet memories and stories that allow us a glimpse into the hearts of those that have come before us.

There’s one toxic recipe, however, that’s been unconsciously handed down throughout all of our families, probably with very few exceptions. It’s left a legacy of strife, conflict, depression, anger and discord.

Mmmm, sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Want to know what this recipe makes?

It’s the recipe for drama.

I came up with this for a staff development program I do for companies and corporations. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, and usually gets lots of laughs. Unfortunately it’s the laughter that comes from seeing ourselves all too clearly - it hits pretty close to home.

But that’s okay because we need to take the time to take an honest look at what we want to change. And if we get a bit of a chuckle out of it, all the better!

Ready? Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laurie’s Not-So-Favorite Recipe for Drama

1. Combine old, de-constructive beliefs with 1 Large Assumption
2. Add a pinch of Taking it Personally
3. Rapidly add 4 or 5 accusations
4. Blend generous amounts of blame and negative thoughts and add to the mixture.
5. As Drama begins to heat up, respond to all counterattacks with more flammable words
6. Continue to add fuel by loudly defending your position
7. Toss vigorously – substantial amounts of anger will magically appear
8. No stove or oven needed – Drama generates heat all by itself.

CAUTION: Do NOT honor the other person’s viewpoint, ask any clear, honest questions, take any responsibility for your words and actions, or make any collaborative suggestions – this will diffuse the heat, the Drama will stop cooking, and the anger will dissipate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this your family’s favorite recipe, too, without even knowing it?

Does this recipe show up at company picnics and church potlucks?

Does this awareness help you stir up some Compassion instead?

Are you ready to bake up some Understanding topped with Empathy?

Want to create and consume something other than Drama?

Then get cookin’!

Simply put, fear is not sustainable. That’s because fear naturally deconstructs. And if you keep deconstructing anything - finances, relationships, jobs - eventually there’s not enough to hold it together, hold it up, or keep it intact.

Look at our global economic situation (it’s not been just America as a separate economic structure for a long time). Our fear around money is prompting some major deconstruction right now - we’re all feeling the impact on multiple levels.

We’re also witnessing the descent of individuals that we’ve judged as corrupt, and we readily acknowledge that corruption is built on greed. And greed, at its core, is based on fear - fear of not having enough money, prestige, influence, acknowledgment, etc.

What about relationships? When two people in any kind of a relationship are thinking, speaking and acting from fear - fear of not feeling safe, connected or valued - that relationship is destined for deconstruction. If it hangs in there for a while, it takes its toll on both parties - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

On the other hand, Love is constructive. It builds and expands whatever is infused with it, and there’s no limit to the expansion.

(Remember that I might be talking about Love differently than you’re thinking right now. See the blog post http://todayichooselove.com/if-it-hurts-its-not-love)

Relationships that are based more solidly on Love than on fear are “evolutionary”: they’re safe places for people to grow and evolve more naturally and gracefully.

Money systems and companies that are based on service, community and, yes, LOVE, are not only sustainable, I believe they can experience unlimited growth, expansion, and more graceful evolution.

As we continue to deconstruct what’s been founded on fear, our best shot at making it through this turbulent time is to remember to choose Love as frequently as possible - in our thoughts, in our words and in our actions. Oversimplified? I don’t think so.

I understand that this is not such an easy task when there are so many Chicken Little’s flitting around, but I know it’s doable. Surround yourself with people who are seeing solutions, hope, and possibilities in our future, and it will be easier to reconstruct a sustainable collective mentality of choosing love - TODAY!

I had the pleasure of spending this weekend in visiting my daughter, Amie. She’s a senior (when did THAT happen??) at Westminster College, a small college of about 2800 students nestled in the beautiful Sugar House neighborhood in southwest Salt Lake City, Utah.

She’s a soprano in the Westminster Chamber Singers, and I flew out to attend both the Friday and Saturday evening performances of their holiday concert. The concerts were wonderful, the weather was really fabulous for this time of year, and it’s always great to get away.

The best part of it, though, was the time I spent one-on-one with Amie. At 21 years old, the time I actually have with her keeps dwindling as she continues to carve out her own life. Heck, the time we spend in the same zip code is already pretty scarce.

Out of the whole weekend, we had about four hours together, just she and I. Saturday morning we spent two hours talking about school, life, and (of course!) boys at a Starbuck’s, and we hung out for another couple of hours Saturday afternoon at another coffee house, where we both worked on our laptops and didn’t talk.

The rest of the time I was with her, I was glad to step back and share her with her roommates and friends, her dad and stepmom, who also flew out from Denver for the weekend, and the other hundred or so people who attended the concerts each night.

Even when I was on my own in my hotel room or taking a walk, I found comfort in knowing that we were at least in the same city and state – not only just a phone call away (Thank God for Verizon family share plan!), but also just a four minute drive from the hotel to campus.

Somewhere along the way, it’s happened. I’ve turned into “Desperate Mom” – I’ll take whatever connection I can find!

And to me, this is Choosing Love Today. I can miss her. I can be happy for the life she’s creating for herself as an adult. I can be grateful for the time we have together. I can step back and observe her in her life. I can focus on my own life quite well when we don’t talk for a while. I can feel selfish sometimes and want more time with her. I can honor the path she’s chosen in her life.

And I can experience all of these feelings concurrently. They can gracefully co-exist, swirling and intermingling all together, all at once.

As I wrote in the acknowledgments in my book:

Of all the job titles and descriptions I’ve had throughout this lifetime, my favorite one always has been and always will be “Amie’s Mom.”

Am I a “Desperate Mom?” You bet!

And I can live with that.

It takes a lot of courage to choose Love right now. It’s so much easier to unconsciously get sucked into the anger, drama and fear that’s running rampant through our collective consciousness – make that our collective UN-consciousness. And this collective unconsciousness begins with just two people agreeing to something. Then one more, then one more, then one more. Pretty soon, we have what we often refer to as “mob mentality.”

All it took for the Cowardly Lion in “The Wizard of Oz” to lapse into his knee-knocking, tail-crumpling state of fear was to buy into the Scarecrow’s belief that there were things in the forest that you’re supposed to be afraid of. In short order the Tin Man jumped on the band wagon, then Dorothy joined the panic party. Pretty soon, they were all huddled together, skittery and nervous, afraid of every noise and movement - real or imagined - in the forest. In that mindset they were a helpless and easy target for the attack of the flying monkeys. Not a very healthy way to go through a day - or a life, for that matter.

The good news, however, is that the collective UN-conscious can shift and become more conscious and healthy – it works both ways.

When Dorothy was captured by the Wicked Witch, her timid pals decided that rescuing her was worth moving through their fears. They stepped up. They worked together. Collectively, they chose Love.

And at the end of the movie, all it took was the Wizard, or more accurately, the “man behind the curtain,” to tell them that there were new possibilities, - and voilà! - their perceptions of the world were transformed. With a mere suggestion of a new “truth” about who they were and what they were capable of, they became the embodiment of Courage, Love, Intelligence, and Hope.

Did the world around them change? No. All that changed was that each of them made a new choice; they chose to focus on what was possible rather than on their fears. They chose to focus on Love. Then their world began changing, too.

So, in the midst of all the stock stuff, the mortgage mayhem, the bail-out ballyhoo, and the political pandemonium, you actually DO have a choice.

You can choose which collective mob mentality to contribute your own energies and agreements to, thereby making it more powerful. You certainly can choose anger, drama and fear. Many of us have.

Or you can step up with the rest of us and choose Courage, and Action, and Love… OH MY!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NOTE: Sending out Love and Thanks to my dear friend, Chet Sisk, who, in his YouTube video announcing his new program, “Welcome to Life Part II,” simply and eloquently shares this concept that it only takes two people to make a new agreement. I know it’s not really a new concept, but it resonated with me, and it made sense to recycle it here. Watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT8pHnrgpLQ.

Yeah, that “C” word: Commitment. I’ve got more of it today.

Yesterday I had the privilege of being one of 26 volunteer adult facilitators at a Challenge Day in a Denver high school (see link below). It was a 6-hour emotional roller coaster with 130 ninth-graders to help them – and us adults - better understand that they are not alone in what they’re feeling and experiencing, that aggression, violence and oppression in any form hurts us all, and that they deserve to feel safe, loved and celebrated.

Without going into the details of the day, suffice it to say that it was beyond inspirational. It was the metaphorical Cosmic 2×4 – make that the Cosmic Railroad Tie – whacking me upside my head, not-so-gently informing me that it’s time to take the next giant leap into The Great Unknown of the How, Where and What of my Work: to build a sustainable culture of compassion at home, at work, in our schools, and in the world by breaking what I call “The Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.”
(www.lauriecameron.com/fromfeartolove.html)

It was a heart-wrenching honor to bear witness as these kids dropped many of their masks and revealed the depth of pain, sadness and hurt they’ve been holding in. The lives of EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 130 children has been touched somehow by drugs, alcohol, bullying, physical or emotional abuse, guns, gangs, murder, suicide, racial or religious persecution, incarceration, or harassment - all in the span of 14 or 15 short years of life on this planet.

And a big handful felt like they’ve never even had the chance to be a kid – they’ve never felt safe enough to just play. Pretty sobering.

Here’s where the C-word comes in to this story.

At the end of the day, the two facilitators invited anyone who felt called to step up to the microphone and share what the day had meant to them, and what changes they were going to make in their lives. There were some apologies to fellow students for teasing, and there were thank-you’s to people who were no longer in the child’s life. An adult volunteer who is also a teacher at the school apologized to a student for riding him so hard, and explained that it was because he wants the boy to live up to the great potential he sees in him.

I stepped up. Through tears and sobs, I apologized to each one of them for every adult in their lives that didn’t know how to help them feel safe, or to feel loved and valued as the amazing, beautiful human being each one of them truly is.

Then I made my commitment to them: I promised them that I will push through my own fear-induced procrastination, and I will find a way to do what I’m here to do.

This is not a new commitment. I’ve been gaining clarity and working through my own fears for what seems like a very long time. What’s new is that I made this commitment to THEM; to 130 young men and women who, by their very existence, really DO deserve to feel safe, loved, and celebrated. For some reason, that takes all of this to a new level for me today. And somehow, some way, I will keep my promise to them.

If you want to get involved with Challenge Day, you can find more details at www.ChallengeDay.org.

One of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:

Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.

I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.

It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."

It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.

IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:

• Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
• Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
• Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
• Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
• Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
• Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
• Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.

How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)

If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

I’ve been talking to and hearing from lots of people in my network that are all saying the same thing: this is a tough time to be sensitive to other people’s energies.

When the news hit of the major plummet of the stock market, and then the world-wide ripples began trickling – or rather gushing – around the globe, I started feeling depressed. Then, as the days went by and the market dropped lower and lower, I felt even more fatigued and dragged out.

Even though my own financial situation has been adversely affected, too, that didn’t really feel like it explained the depths of my feelings.

Then it hit me – I was “channeling” the energy of everybody around me, and around the planet. This happened after Columbine, 9/11, the hurricanes and tsunamis, too. But I was far less aware of this acute empathetic response back then.

We are all – EVERY ONE OF US – sensitive to the energy around us, even if we can’t see it, touch it, or explain it. And each one of us is aware of it to different degrees.

Regardless of our ability to articulate it, we sense it. And it affects us. The less aware we are of what’s impacting our own energy, the lower our capacity to do anything positive about it.

It’s easy to just feel the collective fear and get sucked into it – the Chicken Little response of “OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!” When this “virus” spreads throughout the collective energy “pool” that we’re all swimming in, it’s real easy to catch it and fall ill, adding all our own fears to the epidemic.

The other option, which requires a lot of awareness and vigilance, is LOVE. My preferred form of LOVE at this time is a belief that we humans are extremely resilient. I have faith that we will – individually and collectively – learn something from this and come through it smarter and more evolved. Even just a little bit smarter and a little more evolved is still going in the right direction.

You might hear a bit of scoffing coming out of your mouth right now, which is also coming from fear. And that’s okay. I respect whatever choices you make in response to your own situation.

If you want a little immunity boost from the latest strain of the Fear Virus, though, I’d like to prescribe large doses of creativity and possibility thinking.

My personal response comes in the form of some questions (no surprise there!):

“How can I continue to do what I’m here to do and also take care of my own financial needs?”

“Even though I may have my own fears pop up now and then, how can I keep my vibration consistently high?”

“What are my options and what CAN I do about my own financial situation?”

“How can I stay focused on Love, Faith and Hope when Fear is blustering all around me, threatening to infect my Peace of Mind?”

“How can I maintain that Peace of Mind no matter what the economic situation is?”

“What can I do today to help others feel better and more confident about their lives and their options?”

I’m feeling better than I was a week ago – more in control of my own feelings and energy and life, and less at the unconscious mercy of other people’s fear-based choices.

Here’s the bottom line for me: I’d rather use this opportunity to get smarter and to create my own future with some Love and Joy, than let this latest Fear Virus create my future for me.

From a small article in this morning’s Rocky Mountain News:

Wendy Portillo, a kindergarten teacher in Port St. Lucie, Florida, has been removed from her classroom because she allowed the class to “vote out” Alex, a 5-year-old boy, because of his behavioral problems. His mother said he is currently being tested for Asperger’s Disease, a type of high-functioning autism.

Each classmate was allowed to say what they didn’t like about him, then they took a 14-2 vote to oust him from the class.

I have to say that this kind of story really tests my ability to be a Compassionate Observer. I had a wide range of initial reactions. I wanted to rail at Wendy Portillo. I wanted to shake her and ask her, “What on earth were you thinking???” I wanted to scream at her insensitivity. I wanted to vote her off the planet!

Once I took a deep breath, though, my secondary reactions were different.

I sent Wendy Portillo much softer energy, hoping that this will be an opportunity for her to wake up a little bit - or a lot - more. I hope this opens her up to more compassion. I hope she gains some clarity about whatever fears she’s carrying that clouded her judgment and somehow made this kind of behavior acceptable in her mind.

I sent loving thoughts to the boy’s mother. I hope she does not use this to help Alex to become a victim. I hope she assists him in using this opportunity to find his unique own path through his life.

I sent Alex’s classmates lots of compassionate energy, with the hope that they will somehow see that this is definitely NOT how you treat ANYONE. I hope their parents will help them develop empathy - to try to understand what it would have felt like if they were Alex in that situation.

And I sent Alex lots of loving energy. My hope for him is that this experience helps him discover and develop his inner strength. I hope it helps him to be the kind of person he would have liked his teacher and classmates to have been. I hope his heart stays open, and his thoughts remain gentle for himself and for others. I hope his light continues to shine more brightly every day.