todayichooselove.com

Yeah, that “C” word: Commitment. I’ve got more of it today.

Yesterday I had the privilege of being one of 26 volunteer adult facilitators at a Challenge Day in a Denver high school (see link below). It was a 6-hour emotional roller coaster with 130 ninth-graders to help them – and us adults - better understand that they are not alone in what they’re feeling and experiencing, that aggression, violence and oppression in any form hurts us all, and that they deserve to feel safe, loved and celebrated.

Without going into the details of the day, suffice it to say that it was beyond inspirational. It was the metaphorical Cosmic 2×4 – make that the Cosmic Railroad Tie – whacking me upside my head, not-so-gently informing me that it’s time to take the next giant leap into The Great Unknown of the How, Where and What of my Work: to build a sustainable culture of compassion at home, at work, in our schools, and in the world by breaking what I call “The Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.”
(www.lauriecameron.com/feartoloveproject.pdf)

It was a heart-wrenching honor to bear witness as these kids dropped many of their masks and revealed the depth of pain, sadness and hurt they’ve been holding in. The lives of EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 130 children has been touched somehow by drugs, alcohol, bullying, physical or emotional abuse, guns, gangs, murder, suicide, racial or religious persecution, incarceration, or harassment - all in the span of 14 or 15 short years of life on this planet.

And a big handful felt like they’ve never even had the chance to be a kid – they’ve never felt safe enough to just play. Pretty sobering.

Here’s where the C-word comes in to this story.

At the end of the day, the two facilitators invited anyone who felt called to step up to the microphone and share what the day had meant to them, and what changes they were going to make in their lives. There were some apologies to fellow students for teasing, and there were thank-you’s to people who were no longer in the child’s life. An adult volunteer who is also a teacher at the school apologized to a student for riding him so hard, and explained that it was because he wants the boy to live up to the great potential he sees in him.

I stepped up. Through tears and sobs, I apologized to each one of them for every adult in their lives that didn’t know how to help them feel safe, or to feel loved and valued as the amazing, beautiful human being each one of them truly is.

Then I made my commitment to them: I promised them that I will push through my own fear-induced procrastination, and I will find a way to do what I’m here to do.

This is not a new commitment. I’ve been gaining clarity and working through my own fears for what seems like a very long time. What’s new is that I made this commitment to THEM; to 130 young men and women who, by their very existence, really DO deserve to feel safe, loved, and celebrated. For some reason, that takes all of this to a new level for me today. And somehow, some way, I will keep my promise to them.

If you want to get involved with Challenge Day, you can find more details at www.ChallengeDay.org.

Here’s another interesting juxtaposition of news stories. On the front page of yesterday’s Rocky Mountain News business section were two main stories:

"Panic rules day on Wall Street" and "Spirited times for craft industry"

Apparently, along with the still pervasive panic and uncertainty about the stock market, it seems that Colorado’s craft spirits industry (small distilleries that specialize in handcrafting whiskey, vodka, gin, and fruit brandy) is undergoing one of the biggest growth spurts in the nation.

While my thinking naturally goes to the question of whether there’s a direct correlation, I also choose to use this as an opportunity to take the broader, mile-high view of the world. Yes, we’ve collectively created a global financial situation that will require more creativity to transition through than I can possibly wrap my brain around.

At the same time, I also choose to focus my thoughts on the signs of growth, possibility, expansion, and healthy businesses.

Choosing Love (which is the focus of this website!) in our collective situation is, to me, choosing the path of creative possibility thinking. This approach DOES NOT suggest that we all pretend that everything’s fine and dandy. We DO have some tough decisions to make, both individually and collectively.

But instead of creating more of the same panic by only focusing on the panic, and instead of spending time and energy pointing the finger and searching for someone else to blame, it seems that a more productive approach is to ask more productive questions:

What CAN we do about the situation right now?
How CAN we find our way through this financial upheaval we’ve created for ourselves?
Where can we put our attention and intention in order to get the outcomes we want?
How can we work together more collaboratively?
How can we do MORE of what’s going right?

There’s no quick fix when it comes to our collective evolution. Our best choice is to continue to put one foot in front of the other and always be open to new opportunities to choose love instead of fear.

One of my long-time favorite CD’s is of Emmy Lou Harris singing duets with a variety of great artists. She sings a beautiful duet with Graham Parsons that’s titled "Love Hurts." Here are the first few lines:

Love hurts, Love scars.
Love wounds and mars.
Any heart not tough, nor strong enough
Will take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts.

I have to say that, although I’ve always really appreciated the harmonies in this song, and I frequently sing along at the top of my lungs, I think it’s a crock!

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

It’s fear. We feel fear when a relationship turns out to be anything other than what we want it to be.

It’s attachment. We get awfully attached to our fantasies and the stories we make up about the "perfect relationship."

It’s an expectation that doesn’t match with reality. The pain, hurt, wounds and scars all live in the gap between what we want a relationship to be and what the reality actually is. The wider that gap, and the more we’re attached to how we think it "should be," the more pain and hurt and betrayal we feel.

IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

So what IS Love? That’s the million dollar question that we’ve been trying to answer over the course of human history. Here are some of my definitions, as I’ve come to believe so far - and I reserve the right to evolve and to revise my definition at any time:

• Love is a deep connection to and acknowledgment of another Soul that’s swimming in the same "energy pool" as we are.
• Love is the unconditional acceptance that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in any given moment.
• Love is seeing and honoring the Divine in another human being.
• Love is seeing and honoring the fears in another human being.
• Love stands all on its own, without any need for reciprocation, understanding or agreement.
• Love helps us be more of who we truly are.
• Love is a power that gently and easily overrides fear.

How do YOU define Love? (I invite you to share your definitions, thoughts and comments below.)

If your definition includes any reference to pain, hurt, sadness, difficulty, struggle, confusion, fear, heartbreak, or betrayal, I will also invite you to take another look at what it is you’re defining. Because it’s something other than Love.

IF IT HURTS, IT’S NOT LOVE.

AND IF IT’S LOVE, IT DOESN’T HURT.

I’ve been talking to and hearing from lots of people in my network that are all saying the same thing: this is a tough time to be sensitive to other people’s energies.

When the news hit of the major plummet of the stock market, and then the world-wide ripples began trickling – or rather gushing – around the globe, I started feeling depressed. Then, as the days went by and the market dropped lower and lower, I felt even more fatigued and dragged out.

Even though my own financial situation has been adversely affected, too, that didn’t really feel like it explained the depths of my feelings.

Then it hit me – I was “channeling” the energy of everybody around me, and around the planet. This happened after Columbine, 9/11, the hurricanes and tsunamis, too. But I was far less aware of this acute empathetic response back then.

We are all – EVERY ONE OF US – sensitive to the energy around us, even if we can’t see it, touch it, or explain it. And each one of us is aware of it to different degrees.

Regardless of our ability to articulate it, we sense it. And it affects us. The less aware we are of what’s impacting our own energy, the lower our capacity to do anything positive about it.

It’s easy to just feel the collective fear and get sucked into it – the Chicken Little response of “OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!” When this “virus” spreads throughout the collective energy “pool” that we’re all swimming in, it’s real easy to catch it and fall ill, adding all our own fears to the epidemic.

The other option, which requires a lot of awareness and vigilance, is LOVE. My preferred form of LOVE at this time is a belief that we humans are extremely resilient. I have faith that we will – individually and collectively – learn something from this and come through it smarter and more evolved. Even just a little bit smarter and a little more evolved is still going in the right direction.

You might hear a bit of scoffing coming out of your mouth right now, which is also coming from fear. And that’s okay. I respect whatever choices you make in response to your own situation.

If you want a little immunity boost from the latest strain of the Fear Virus, though, I’d like to prescribe large doses of creativity and possibility thinking.

My personal response comes in the form of some questions (no surprise there!):

“How can I continue to do what I’m here to do and also take care of my own financial needs?”

“Even though I may have my own fears pop up now and then, how can I keep my vibration consistently high?”

“What are my options and what CAN I do about my own financial situation?”

“How can I stay focused on Love, Faith and Hope when Fear is blustering all around me, threatening to infect my Peace of Mind?”

“How can I maintain that Peace of Mind no matter what the economic situation is?”

“What can I do today to help others feel better and more confident about their lives and their options?”

I’m feeling better than I was a week ago – more in control of my own feelings and energy and life, and less at the unconscious mercy of other people’s fear-based choices.

Here’s the bottom line for me: I’d rather use this opportunity to get smarter and to create my own future with some Love and Joy, than let this latest Fear Virus create my future for me.

In addition to my annoyance that 2 of the “3 R’s” (reading, writing, arithmetic) do not actually begin with the letter “R”, I think there’s one important “R” missing from our schools – Relationship: teaching our children how to make confident, healthy relationship and life choices.

All the emphasis placed on making sure our children know how to read, write, and do math is most definitely valid. A community, country, or world filled with people who are functionally illiterate is a scary thing. And at the same time, when these skills are in the spotlight of every debate on school reform to the predominant exclusion of teaching them how to treat each other with respect, it’s kind of like focusing just on exercises to build your biceps, and ignoring equal time to build your triceps – it creates an imbalance.

And the imbalance we’re experiencing right now is what I call a cycle of “Relationship Illiteracy.” We cannot teach our children what we haven’t learned yet. So even though they probably WANT more peace and harmony in their relationships, they just don’t know how or what to do instead. Then the only choice is to fall back on what they’ve learned from us adults. This is just as scary as functional illiteracy.

To my delight, I’m starting to see many more articles about bringing these “soft skills” into our schools; about bringing “soul” into our schools. (”Welcoming Soul to Our Schools”, Shift in Action magazine, June/August 2008) I’m jazzed to know that people out there who care about the development of our children as whole, complete people are doing the studies, gathering the statistics, and developing programs. We like the statistics. They make us feel smart. And when we feel smart, we feel safe.

Try for a moment, though, to suspend the need for statistics, data and studies and to prove what we already know in our hearts to be true:

When our students feel more confident in their relationship and life choices, they’ll feel safer, be more engaged in school, and be more proficient at learning and applying the other three “R”s. Attendance, standardized test scores and graduation rates will go up, dropout rates will go down, and the other “social ills” associated with poor performance at school will be positively impacted.

Sure sounds like a fabulous idea to me! And as I talk to more and more people about it, I’ve been greeted with unanimous and enthusiastic agreement. We just know that teaching our children how to make conscious life choices and engage in more compassionate communication is important. It feels to me like we breathe a collective sigh of relief and release just to think about the possibilities.

I also think this is one of the things I’m here to do with my Work/Calling/Mission: to Break this Cycle of Relationship Illiteracy.

I also know that this shift will happen gradually along the path of our cultural, spiritual, and emotional evolution. And, at the risk of indulging in a few worn metaphors, Rome wasn’t built in a day, every mighty oak tree begins as a small acorn, and a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So, to Choose Love Today, I’ll keep talking about it and writing about it, reading the articles, planting the seeds, and taking the steps. And I’ll continue to be open to ways I can further define and articulate my unique contribution to our children’s growth, peace of mind, joy and happiness.

How about you?????

I went hiking today. My friend Owen and I hiked the West Chicago Creek trail in the Mt. Evans Wilderness Area about an hour west of Denver. We chose a comfortable pace and covered about five miles in a little over 6 hours, with lots of stops. This is not unusual for me because I love to hike, and I generally prefer a bit more of a leisurely, stop-and-look-at-the-flowers pace.

It was a trail that I hadn’t been on yet, which is always fun, too. And he picked me up at 4:30 this morning - which is a bit of a stretch for me - but it definitely made sense to get up there before too many of the rest of the city folk got into the mountains on a holiday weekend.

What WAS unusual about this adventure was that we chose to do the entire hike without speaking. From the time we hit the trailhead to the time we got back to the car, not one word. For over SIX HOURS.

For the entire hike, we didn’t say a word either to each other or to the people we passed on the trail. (Waving and smiling was still a friendly, acceptable greeting.)

Now, for those of you who’ve met me, you’re probably chuckling in total disbelief that I could be with a fun and interesting friend for that long without saying a word. For heaven’s sake, I’m a coach, trainer, author and speaker. “Words” is what I do!

Owen suggested the challenge after a conversation we had last weekend about all the chatter going on in our heads, our dependence on words, and how I sometimes feel a longing to just let go of all the words. When he suggested this experiment of a totally silent hike, my first response was: “Okay!”

Yes, my second thought was: “Oh, who am I kidding?!”, but I chose to let that one go and stick with “Okay!”

And very much to my delight, our experiment today was a beautiful success.

Without words getting in the way, I heard the birds and squirrels more distinctly than I usually do. I heard the wind as it sang through the trees and across the valley. I heard the way my footfall sounded different on different parts of the trail: very loud and crunchy on the dry gravel; kind of muffled and “thud-y” on the large rocks and the small boulders; and in the places where the trail was wetter and shadier, it actually sounded a bit hollow under my boots, like there might be some secret place hidden beneath the compacted dirt.

I also heard my heart pounding - loudly! - when we stopped to catch our breath on the steep switchbacks. I also heard the conversation and chatter of those we passed on the trail, and was grateful that we had made a different choice.

I also heard all the things in my head that I wanted to talk with Owen about along the trail - things I wanted to share, questions I wanted to ask - all the things that usually pop into my head then come out my mouth.

Then I found great joy in letting them all go unsaid and unasked. What a surprise, and definitely a treat! And we both found it amusing (laughing out loud was acceptable) to try to communicate with each other charades-style by pointing and gesturing to indicate that one of us wanted to stop for a snack, or go a different way, or sit down and rest. All in all, it was a truly eye-, ear-, and heart-opening way to spend the day.

This evening, in thinking back on the day, I realized that this experience was an exercise in choosing love. It felt loving to unconditionally accept Owen’s challenge, because it was important to him to try it, and I was honored that he asked me to share the experience with him. It felt loving to give myself permission to go WAY out of my comfort zone. It felt loving be out in the wilderness more fully present than I have been before. I felt that I chose love when I chose to BE with another human being in a way that challenged and transcended my typical reliance on words.

Don’t get me wrong - I still love to talk to people, and I’m not giving it up. And I will continue to love my work as a coach, a trainer, and a speaker. At the same time, my capacity for communicating at different levels with others has now been expanded, and that’s exciting for me - thank you for this wonderful gift, Owen!

Here’s my “Today I Choose Love” Challenge for you - stay open to the unique opportunities in your life to step up and say, “OKAY!” Give yourself permission to stretch your comfort zones. BE present, listen, and just say…Nothing!

I don’t know if it’s my Myers-Briggs or 360 or DiSC profile, astrological sign, genetic makeup or cultural conditioning, but I have a hard time with the nose-to-the-grindstone, focus-on-the-goal structure common in contemporary business management advice.

All the business books - as well as the information I teach to my students at Coach Training Alliance - talk about the importance of a well thought-out strategic plan to ensure business success. There are 1-year plans, 5-year plans, weekly strategies, and daily goals that are all supposed to be laid out and followed, or else profit and sustainability will remain elusive.

“Plan the work and work the plan.”

And when these goals, action plans and strategies are followed systematically - voilà! A profitable business!

I get all that. I understand the value and importance of the plans and the strategies. I really do. And I still struggle with it. My challenge is that I seem to get caught up way too frequently in the "head stuff" of my plans - how I can make it work, make it happen, make it do something! I assume that if I think about it all hard enough, I’ll get some brilliant answer - the TRUTH of how I’m supposed to do what I’m here to do.

That’s when the anxiety would creep in and I’d begin pacing around my office and my home. Then I’d try to solve the “problem” of being distracted! For years it’s felt like a vicious cycle, and I’d end up in what I call “overwhelm-induced inertia.”

Since inertia isn’t a very good business-building strategy either, I recently decided to try a new approach. Whenever I found myself pacing and trying to fight the anxiety, I would ask my Spirit/Higher Self what I needed most in that moment.

The most consistent answer? “GO LIE DOWN!”

At first, this sounded a bit odd. It seemed less like divinely inspired guidance and more like another avoidance strategy. But what I found out was that when I followed that guidance, it got me out of my head - the arrogance of my ego thinking it could actually figure it all out - and allowed the wisdom in my Heart to be heard.

It was as if my head got so clogged up with all the possibilities and ideas - albeit extremely creative ideas - it was all about me trying to MAKE something happen. And forcing success is really exhausting!

When I went to lie down - on my bed, on the floor, on the couch - I was pleasantly surprised: I relaxed. I emptied my mind and I opened my heart. It was then that the real HOW of my work started becoming clearer. My most important actions and tasks would come to the surface, and the next step would make a lot of sense.

So I’ve moved past the perception that it’s weird, and now I follow the guidance I receive. Sometimes I lie down for 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, or sometimes an hour. Sometimes it’s just once during a day, sometimes it’s 5 or 6 times that I stop what I’m doing and go lie down. (I even got stuck while writing this article and had to go lie down for a few minutes!)

And what I’m discovering is that after lying down (or sometimes sitting in a chair) and opening my heart to the next step, I’m actually a lot more focused and productive than I was when I used to spend that same amount of time anxiously trying to make my brain think harder.

What does this have to do with choosing love today - the purpose of this blog? Well, I know that my pacing and anxiety comes from fear. My head thinks that if I don’t figure it out, I’ll fail, go bankrupt, yada, yada, yada. Conversely, when I choose to listen to my Higher Wisdom, I’m definitely choosing Love. I feel that I’m co-creating my business strategies with the Universe - a nice business partner to have.

When I trust that I’m headed in the right direction to fulfill my purpose and my calling, and that I don’t have to know all the specifics right now about HOW I’m going to get there, I know I’m definitely choosing Love.

And it’s not that weird after all. My friend and colleague, Drayton Boylston, owner of the Rescue Institute and the author of Coming UnScrooged! A Contemporary Classic of Corporate Rescue & Redemption, shared with me a while back that he coaches his executive clients to spend some time every day being quiet and reflecting. And an increasing number of companies are starting to provide space for people to nap or meditate in the middle of the work day as a way to increase productivity.

So there it is - my new business strategy. I encourage you to try it - Choose Love & GO LIE DOWN!

From a small article in this morning’s Rocky Mountain News:

Wendy Portillo, a kindergarten teacher in Port St. Lucie, Florida, has been removed from her classroom because she allowed the class to “vote out” Alex, a 5-year-old boy, because of his behavioral problems. His mother said he is currently being tested for Asperger’s Disease, a type of high-functioning autism.

Each classmate was allowed to say what they didn’t like about him, then they took a 14-2 vote to oust him from the class.

I have to say that this kind of story really tests my ability to be a Compassionate Observer. I had a wide range of initial reactions. I wanted to rail at Wendy Portillo. I wanted to shake her and ask her, “What on earth were you thinking???” I wanted to scream at her insensitivity. I wanted to vote her off the planet!

Once I took a deep breath, though, my secondary reactions were different.

I sent Wendy Portillo much softer energy, hoping that this will be an opportunity for her to wake up a little bit - or a lot - more. I hope this opens her up to more compassion. I hope she gains some clarity about whatever fears she’s carrying that clouded her judgment and somehow made this kind of behavior acceptable in her mind.

I sent loving thoughts to the boy’s mother. I hope she does not use this to help Alex to become a victim. I hope she assists him in using this opportunity to find his unique own path through his life.

I sent Alex’s classmates lots of compassionate energy, with the hope that they will somehow see that this is definitely NOT how you treat ANYONE. I hope their parents will help them develop empathy - to try to understand what it would have felt like if they were Alex in that situation.

And I sent Alex lots of loving energy. My hope for him is that this experience helps him discover and develop his inner strength. I hope it helps him to be the kind of person he would have liked his teacher and classmates to have been. I hope his heart stays open, and his thoughts remain gentle for himself and for others. I hope his light continues to shine more brightly every day.

Just a quick reframe (which is what we coaches do!):

A little while back, I was reading an article about financial success. The author, like pretty much every other financial "expert" out there, had the same piece of advice as the rest:

"Don’t spend more than you make!"

I’ve always felt really icky when I’ve read that or heard that.

First off, I really don’t like anyone telling me what I CAN’T do. When that happens, my inner petulant child usually leaps up in defiance and cries, "You’re not the boss of me!"

After that initial reaction, I also realized that this approach to money felt WAY too small, limiting, restrictive and even a bit claustrophobic. It was as if someone had lowered the money roof to just above my head and declared: "You should NEVER spend more than… (fill in the blank with whatever my current income is).

Then I had a "reframe flash": Right then and there I decided that I wanted to focus on something different; something more positive. I decided that I will:

MAKE MORE MONEY THAN I WANT TO SPEND!

All of a sudden, I felt liberated - like I had the power to raise the roof to whatever height I wanted it to be.

Now, instead of feeling limited by my income: "I can’t afford that", I ask myself a different question: "How can I make the money I need so I can do what I’m here to do?"

Now, I’m not just raising the roof, I’m blowing it off the top of the house! And frankly, that feels much better.

My first major exposure to the concept of compassion was when I began exploring Buddhism. I took an introductory class at a Buddhism center here in Denver about 7 years ago. And my best friend Scott gave me a book called “Bones of the Master”. Increasingly intrigued, I started reading more books written about Buddhism and the Dalai Lama, and books written by the Dalai Lama - he’s a prolific writer!

And he’s become my idol - or at least my most inspiring role model for the true power of how compassion can change lives.

I loved a documentary that I saw recently on his life. It’s titled 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama, here’s the link: http://www.thedalailamamovie.com/

It was a fascinating and comprehensive look at this “humble monk’s” life.

What continues to blow me away about his life is that he was forced out of his own country when I was 1 year old. He has been living in exile for almost MY ENTIRE LIFE!

And yet he still has compassion for the Chinese government. THAT’S the most powerful role model I know of to follow and emulate in my daily life.

So I’m intrigued about the latest development in the Chinese occupation of Tibet. After over half a century of fear-driven brutality, Chinese government officials have agreed to be in a conversation with envoys of the Dalai Lama.

This reinforces my sense that we - the Global WE - are in a time of accelerated change; of “Waking Up” at an increasingly exponential rate.

Will this situation change overnight? Heavens, no! Any expectations that the Chinese government will now fling the door open wide and allow Tibetans autonomy will only result in frustration and anger. (Remember that the Second Noble Truth of Buddhism states that resistance and attachment is the cause of all suffering.)

But does this small opening to new possibilities give me hope that we’re moving in the right direction? You betcha!

Although I don’t consider myself a practicing Buddhist, I do appreciate the philosophies and teachings of loving kindness and compassion. And I DO believe that compassion is THE PRIMARY INGREDIENT of a full, vibrant life.

So the Dalai Lama is truly my “Tibetan Idol.” If he can choose to feel compassion for the Chinese government day after day, year after year, decade after decade, I can choose love and compassion in my own small way. And I can be out in the world talking about it and writing about it - like in my blog.

If he can enter into conversation with the Chinese government with the intent of a peaceful outcome, then I can enter into conversations with people in my life who challenge my resistance and attachments, too.

So I will continue to do all that I can to choose love and compassion every day in my own life, and to help businesses and individuals create a sustainable culture of compassion in the office, at home, and in the world.

(And here’s my promotional plug - if you want more loving kindness and compassion in your relationships and in your life too, call me!)